*Top Ten Signs You are At a Bad Baptismal Service*

10. The Coast Guard is involved.

9. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.

8. Pastor wears scuba gear.

7. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from "Jaws."

6. The preacher uses a "Billy the Bass" singing "Take Me to the River" instead of the traditional "Shall We Gather at the River?"

5. You keep hearing the pastor saying, "Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn't know about that drop-off!"

4. The pastor can't get the rather large person being baptized back up out of the water and calls for help.

3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear.

2. Just as the choir starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission.

AND THE NO. 1 SIGN YOU'RE AT A BAD BAPTISM SERVICE:

1. Two Words: Alka-Seltzer