Issue #3541

Today's Cybersalt Digest is brought to you by:

Cybersalt News

It's snowing at Cybersalt World Headquarters. Maybe in the morning I'll try to warm up with a "Bacon Scarf".
http://www.cybersalt.org/funny-misc-pictures/7624-bacon-scarf

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Family Support"

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?”

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

You can rate this joke at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh-archive/7623

“If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?”

Today's One Liner

“Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?”

Today's CleanQuote

“One secret of managing life is to keep the folks who can't stand you away from the folks who are undecided.”

Meet Christian Singles Online

http://www.cybersalt.net/rdsingles.htm

Today's Illustration - "Historic Recall"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Ms. Crabtree had been telling her 1st grade class the story of the discovery of America by Columbus.

She concluded with, "And all this happened more than 500 years ago."

"Wow!" exclaimed Little Johnny, "What a great memory you have!"

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt Communications
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Pastor Tim pastors at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia http://www.westsidefamily.org

Please vote for the CleanLaugh List and Site at http://www.cybersalt.net/rdvote.htm

Issue #3351

Today's Cybersalt Digest is brought to you by:

Cybersalt News

There isn't very much new on the Cybersalt Site today because I was working today on some background stuff instead.

I've made some major progress towards getting a complete, search-able, online system of every item that has appeared in the Cybersalt Digest (or other variations of it) since 1998. I'm really looking forward to having that done on the site as it's been one of the most requested features down through the years.

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Proper Attire"

Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice: "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."

Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."

You can rate this joke at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh-archive/4362

One of the basic equations of physics is e = hv, where v is the Greek letter 'nu' (pronounced new).

This can be written v = e/h.

If one physicist were to ask another, "What's new?" the other might answer, "e/h."

Today's One Liner

“The difference between God and a fighter pilot is that God doesn't think He's a fighter pilot.”

Today's CleanQuote

“Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.”

Today's Illustration - "The Good Old Days"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days.

"Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt Communications
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Pastor Tim pastors at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia http://www.westsidefamily.org

Please vote for the CleanLaugh List and Site at http://www.cybersalt.net/rdvote.htm

Issue # 3346

Today's Cybersalt Digest is brought to you by:

Cybersalt News

Oh look, chicken Thursday! Yeah, I know it's Wednesday but if you knew how much I like that commercial you'd understand.

Speaking of days, do you remember what Sunday is? That's right, it's Mother's Day. Why not get a jump on getting her a really nice, sentimental, make mom feel like a million bucks recession friendly gift by sending her a Smilebox Mother's Day card

Here's what's new since the last Cybersalt Digest went out.

Sometimes church signs state the obvious and other times they miss it at the same time. You'll see what I mean at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/funny-misc-pictures/4343

If you like angry camels, jumping kittens, or motivational raps, you'll be glad to catch up on the the latest FunBlog additions at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/funblog

Rev. James Snyder is noticing his wife's "honey do" list while "Keeping an Eye on the end of the Trail" at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/featured-blogs/gods-penman/4339

And finally - I don't want you to think I'm desperate to be liked, but the fact remains that I like to be liked and its now easier to like Cybersalt by simply clicking on the Facebook icon below.

I hope you enjoy the rest of today's Cybersalt Digest!

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Late at Walmart"

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.

What did they say if you came in late there?"

''They said, 'Good morning, General, can I get you coffee, sir?'''

You can rate this joke at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh-archive/4342

We all know that April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!

Today's One Liner

"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out."

Today's CleanQuote

"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it is lost." - Charles Caleb Colton

Today's Illustration - "Changing Times"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies.

One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed," so I asked him why he wanted one.

I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines spaceship as an 'imaginary aircraft.'"

He got his new dictionary.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt Communications
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Pastor Tim pastors at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia http://www.westsidefamily.org

Please vote for the CleanLaugh List and Site at http://www.cybersalt.net/rdvote.htm

Issue # 3345

Today's Cybersalt Digest is brought to you by:

Cybersalt News

Hey look - it's me again.

I haven't sent a mailing out in a month and half. Why? Well, if you've been watching the Cybersalt Site you may have read my wife's latest blog entry "Shackled in Debt" and if you have then you know that about 6 months ago we got busy clearing up some consumer debt we had gotten into. Since then I've been working like a dog in my spare time making web sites for people to make a dent in the debt. It's going very well, but one of the consequences has been very erratic e-mailing out of the Cybersalt Digest.

Anyway, I've got new system in mind for getting the Digest out in a more efficient way and hopefully things should get back to a more regular frequency.

In the meantime, here are a few new things in the Cybersalt Site you may not have noticed in the last month or so.

There have been 3 new blog posts in my wife's Simply Susan blog:
"A Shadow" - http://www.cybersalt.org/simply-susan/4311

There have a been a number of new additions (card throwing, laughing campers, a singing Russian, an amazing dog, colliding smoke rings, and artificial suns) in the FunBlog:
http://www.cybersalt.org/funblog

Oh yeah, there is a new letter in the Hall of FLames. It turns out somebody has been thinking of me!
http://www.cybersalt.org/letters/hall-of-flames

Finally, for those of you who listen to my sermons online the 6 most recent ones have been uploaded to the Westside Bible Church web site. There are 3 from my ongoing series from Ecclesiastes, 2 from Easter, and 1 about Christians and astrology.
http://www.westsidefamily.org/Messages

Well that was a mouthful!

I hope you enjoy the rest of today's Cybersalt Digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Scared vs. Apprehension"

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment, I took part in several night-time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a lieutenant fresh from jump school.

He was quiet and looked a bit pale, so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, lieutenant?" I asked.

He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."

I asked, "What's the difference?"

He replied, "That means I'm scared, but with a university education."

You can rate this joke at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh-archive/4333

"What kind of music do you sing?"

"Aqua-pella."

Today's One Liner

"I feel sorry for the guy who has to play the world's smallest violin - everybody just thinks he's being sarcastic."

Today's CleanQuote

"Scissors are overpowered. Rock is fine." - Paper

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt Communications
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Pastor Tim pastors at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia http://www.westsidefamily.org

Please vote for the CleanLaugh List and Site at http://www.cybersalt.net/rdvote.htm

Issue # 3344

Today's Cybersalt Digest is brought to you by:

Cybersalt News

Hey everyone! Here's some of what's new on the Cybersalt Site today.

My wife has a new entry in her "Simply Susan" blog. You can read "Are You Skeptical" at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/simply-susan

I tried to add a new video to the FunBlog today, but this one they want you to watch right from the site so I only have the link to it. It's video of a shark biting a guy. How is that funny you ask? The answer is at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/funblog

While we are talking about sharks and links, here is another off-site link you may enjoy. Who'd of thought you could see the sharks so well from space:
Sharks From Space

The sharks from space link is actually one I sent out on Twitter and Facebook. You don't have to wait for me to get around to putting a mailing together to know when new things are on the Cybersalt Site. Just use the links below to add Cybersalt to your Twitter or Facebook.

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Curfew"

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for anyone under seventeen years of age.

He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted.

"Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven." His father said.

You can rate this joke at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh-archive/4307

Today's CleanQuote

"Resurrection life is certainly not a grave situation. Try it sometime."

Today's Illustration - "Honesty"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Serving as a Marine recruiter in western North Carolina, I found a young man who met all the requirements and was ready to enlist. I explained the importance of being truthful on the application, and he began filling out his paper work.

But when he got to the question "Do you own any foreign property or have any foreign financial interests?" he looked up at me with a worried expression. "Well," he confessed, "I do own a Toyota."

We enlisted him the next day.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt Communications
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Pastor Tim pastors at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia http://www.westsidefamily.org

Please vote for the CleanLaugh List and Site at http://www.cybersalt.net/rdvote.htm

Issue # 3343

Today's Cybersalt Digest is brought to you by:

Cybersalt News

I hope you all had a great weekend.

I also hope I never see a prancing Mountie for the rest of my life - unless of course they are prancing to my rescue.

There's a new picture on the Cybersalt Site today. You can view "Mad Cat" at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/funny-cat-pictures/4303

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Bagel Shop Student"

"Hello Mrs. Frobisher" said the bearded guy behind the counter at the bagel shop.

My husband and I looked at him but drew complete blanks. "I'm sorry, do we know each other?" I asked.

"Yeah, you was my English teacher."

Leaning over, my husband whispered, "Good job, Honey, good job."

You can rate this joke at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh-archive/4302

"On cooking shows, there is little margerine of error."

Today's One Liner

"Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR" - what's my mother going to do.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt Communications
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Pastor Tim pastors at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia http://www.westsidefamily.org

Please vote for the CleanLaugh List and Site at http://www.cybersalt.net/rdvote.htm

Issue # 3342

Today's Cybersalt Digest is brought to you by:

Cybersalt News

Here's what's new on the Cybersalt Site today - and in recent days.

There is a new post on the Simply Susan blog. You can read "Free Like Never Before!" at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/simply-susan

Rev. James Snyder writes about apologies on the front page at:
http://www.cybersalt.org

I make a bit of a confession about my strating to lean towards Apple products in the funblog at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/funblog

And for those who like to keep up Westside Bible Church's services and messages, what we have recorded are updated once again at:
http://www.westsidefamily.org/Services

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "10 Vet Bill Signs"

10 Signs Your Vet Bill Is Going To Require Financing

-- The doc's thermometer registers in Fahrenheit, Celsius and dollars.

-- The bill came with payment coupons.

-- Your Doberman just ate the receptionist.

-- "He has a very rare blood type. It's called '$$ Positive.'"

-- He starts talking about extended quality of life, miracles of modern veterinary medicine and joint replacement procedures. You own a goldfish.

-- They take away the blood sample on a sterling silver serving tray.

-- The sad, pathetic whining in the exam room is coming from the owners.

-- You suddenly realize where you've heard that low whistle before: from the plumber and the auto mechanic.

-- "Do you have any idea how expensive hamster defibrillators are?"

-- and the #1 Sign Your Veterinary Bill is Going to Require Financing:

"We can rebuild him. Make him stronger, faster...."

You can rate this joke at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh-archive/4298

Today's CleanQuote

"The happiest part of a man’s life is what he passes lying awake in bed in the morning."
- Samuel Johnson

Today's Illustration - "A Strong Woman Versus a Woman of Strength"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape ...
but a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape...

A strong woman isn't afraid of anything ...
but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear...

A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of her ...
but a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone...

A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future...
a woman of strength realizes life's mistakes can also be God's blessings and capitalizes on them...

A strong woman walks sure footedly...
but a woman of strength knows God will catch her when she falls...

A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face...
but a woman of strength wears grace...

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey...
but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong...

- Marta S. Hardy

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt Communications
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Pastor Tim pastors at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia http://www.westsidefamily.org

Please vote for the CleanLaugh List and Site at http://www.cybersalt.net/rdvote.htm

Issue # 3341

Today's Cybersalt Digest is brought to you by:

Cybersalt News

I was in the market for a used car today. I just about bought a Toyota but with all the news about them lately I went with a sweet deal I found on a Ford Pinto. I'm so glad the media helped me keep perspective on things.

Some people like their moose in the freezer while others prefer the backyard sprinkler.  Today's FunBlog features a video for the latter - though the former may get ideas from it too.
http://www.cybersalt.org/funblog

Speaking of freezers, Rev. James Snyder thinks someone is upset about the cold weather - well actually more about the people who are all up in arms abouthot weather. You can read "Mother Nature's Cold Shoulder Revenge" on the front page at:
http://www.cybersalt.org

Finally, my hat's off (caouse it'snot snowing where I live!) to all who mde the right choice and went with SmileBox to get ready for Valentine's Day. It's not too late to get on the "Phew" bandwagon - SmileBox

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Windshield Wiper Quit"

Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That's right -- the driver's side. This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm.

Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear.

Not only that -- you'd be surprised at how many people waved back.

You can rate this joke at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh-archive/4294

Please, under no cicumstances think that I do not realize that the following puns are anything other than painful and torturous. But for those who like that flavour of the genre, here you go, lol!

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
A hog and kisses!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!

Liz: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."
Jon: "Really?"
Liz: "Yeah, you make me sick!"

What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
He gives it a valenshine!

What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
"Be my valenstein!"

Today's One Liner

"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt Communications
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Pastor Tim pastors at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia http://www.westsidefamily.org

Please vote for the CleanLaugh List and Site at http://www.cybersalt.net/rdvote.htm

Issue # 3340

Today's Cybersalt Digest is brought to you by:

Cybersalt News

OK, I need to have a heart to heart talk with the men reading this. Ladies, of course you may read along since this involves you but you might find some of the guy talk a bit rough so be warned.

Men, Sunday is Valentine's day and the special woman in your life wants you to do something special for them. This special thing will make their heart feel warm and fuzzy and gushy (rhymes with "pushy" not "lushy"). This special thing is probably also something that isn't obvious to you because what they really want is for you to think and figure out what would be meaningful to them that you would never in a hundred million years think of unless you try to.

Please get off the ledge; it's not as bad as it sounds. Just avoid things such as appliances that make household work easier, products designed for self-improvement (ie. body shape, breath smell, etc), power tools YOU really want, and any kind of art that involves the hair on your back.

What you have to do is communicate how you value them - honest, my wife just told me so as I read this to her ( including the part I just removed).

I suggest the following for a start. Gather together some pictures of the favorite moments you have shared together and make a beautiful slideshow of them - complete with words describing your feelings about her. Smilebox

But in today's economy and world, there is a shortage of money and a shortage of heartfelt sentiment so why not help cure both with a Smilebox

Speaking of gift giving and back hair, today's new links on the Cybersalt Site will hopefully give you a laugh about both.

Beware of the Dog House:
http://www.cybersalt.org/funblog

Valentine's Back
http://www.cybersalt.org/funny-misc-pictures/4293

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Sermon Feedback"

They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant.

An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.

The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."

The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"

You can rate this joke at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh-archive/4291

Today's CleanQuote

"Scissors are overpowered. Rock is fine." - Paper

Today's Illustration - "Reputation"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Lenora, 95-years-old and in excellent health, confided that she was terribly worried:

"Every one of my friends has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where *I* went!"

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt Communications
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Pastor Tim pastors at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia http://www.westsidefamily.org

Please vote for the CleanLaugh List and Site at http://www.cybersalt.net/rdvote.htm

Issue # 3339

Today's Cybersalt Digest is brought to you by:

Cybersalt News

Hello, is it me you're looking for?

No, I haven't been kidnapped and brainwashed by Lionel Ritchie. But I have been busy pastoring, acting as power of attorney for someone, and avoiding the paparazzi who keep mistaking me for Tom Selleck (a lifelong problem).

So what's new in the last while? I'm glad you asked.

My wife has a new post on her "Simply Susan" blog. You can read "Adventure Unleashed" at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/simply-susan

There is also a new item on the FunBlog. If you like small garages described in a language I don't speak I think you will enjoy it.
http://www.cybersalt.org/funblog

I hope you enjoy the rest of today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Manservant"

Because of a shortage of maids, the minister's wife advertised for a manservant. The next morning a nicely dressed young man came to the front door. "Can you start the breakfast by seven o'clock?" asked the minister.

"I guess so," answered the man.

"Can you polish all the silver, wash all the dishes, do the laundry, take care of the lawn, wash windows, iron clothes and keep the house neat and tidy?"

"Say, preacher," said the young fellow rather meekly, "I came here to see about getting married but if it's going to be as much work as all that, you can count me out right now."

You can rate this joke at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh-archive/4288

Young Mary was a dutiful child. She obeyed every rule and never once contradicted the commands that were issued daily to govern her life.

One day, when her aunt was bedridden with the flu, Mary was given the responsibility and duty of picking up her aunt's pay envelope. If the refrigerator was to be stocked for the week ahead, Mary and the rest of the family would need the money. The young girl duly went to the proper factory pay wicket, picked up the salary and hopped and skipped merrily homeward.

Alas and alack and other cries of lamentation! The envelope was jounced from her pocket. What consternation! What weeping! Mary was sent back over her route but to no avail.

Finally, she ran to the police station and cried to the desk sergeant, "I've lost my aunt's pay!"

"Cut the pig latin," the sergeant said, "just tell me where you lost them."
- By Himie Koshevoy

Today's One Liner

"Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.; give a man a stick of dynamite and soon the whole village will be strewn with mud, seaweed, and unidentifiable chunks of fish."

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt Communications
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Pastor Tim pastors at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia http://www.westsidefamily.org

Please vote for the CleanLaugh List and Site at http://www.cybersalt.net/rdvote.htm