I have been half way around the sun as a mother -
it happened as quickly as they said it would.
Just as my belly stretched around his body,
my heart has stretched and soared on love.
I have caught glimpses of a kinder and more patient version of myself
who has tender smiles left to give at 2 in the morning and again at 4,
who wills strength into aching arms when swaying and singing are what my sleepy son needs.
I have cried tears of joy, frustration, and exhaustion,
faced fears of failure with faith:
that God who created the universe didn’t make his first mistake by giving this child to me.
I have watched the transformation of my loved ones, blooming impossibly more beautiful,
as parents into grandparents, sister into auntie, husband into father.
Every drop of love that has ever fallen into my cup is magnified and purified as I see it poured out over this child,
acceptance and tenderness and celebration all received
without my personal filter of self-doubt and criticism.
I am learning to embrace moments, resist task lists and the nagging voice that says I should do it all,
His cry for comfort is my rescue from working to be enough.
There are worse things in life than messy kitchens at bed time.
Dishes can wait when sometimes a sleepy brain cannot.
I have memorized board books, nursery rhymes, and the feel of his weight in my arms.
My heart overflows and my cup runneth over,
and I know it’s just the start.