July 2011 - Monthly Archive - Results from #1680

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1913

<1min

Advertising

I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller-- guaranteed to work."I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

2040

<1min

I asked God to take away my habit.God said, "No. It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up."I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.God said, "No. His spirit is whole, his body... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1918

<1min

Foot in Mouth Disease

Having survived my first driving lesson, I emerged from the car to come face to face with a woman standing on the pavement. "A bit nerve-wracking, was it?" she asked."More than that," I laughed, "My i... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1879

<1min

Dad Question

Four-year-old Little Johnny asked, "Mummy, where do babies come from? "The stork, dear." replied Johnny's Mom. "Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?" Asked Little Johnny. Johnny's mo... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1735

<1min

Logic

Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag. The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1980

<1min

Punishment

Even though I'm well into my 30's I still stop by my parents house to mow their lawn. One afternoon the young kid next door was cutting his grass at the same time."It's punishment for skipping a day o... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1842

<1min

Goals, Exercise

During the last session of our teaching workshop, participants were asked to state their personal goals for the immediate future.One teacher vowed to update photo albums, another to lose weight. The ... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1942

<1min

Marriage Reason

During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation. "People get div... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1942

<1min

E-Parenting

Debbie wasn't home, and it was getting awfully late. Not knowing any of her girlfriend's phone numbers, her Mother fired-up Debbie's computer and saw a list of email addresses. She sent a note to each... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1977

3 min read

Motherhood, Proverbs 31

Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1956

<1min

Illustration

Bob Hope once received an award and graciously gave full credit to his four writers for making it possible.The next to receive the award was Bishop Fulton J. Sheen. He stepped to the mike and with a g... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1883

<1min

Planning

Before I could enroll in my company's medical insurance plan, I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.One question asked, "Do you think... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

2032

<1min

Barbecuing: Manly Cooking

Barbecuing - It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do.When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:(1) The woman goes to the store.(2) The woman... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1947

<1min

IRS Complaint

At the Internal Revenue Service where I used to work, no officer was immune from letters of complaint written by disgruntled taxpayers. One time an irate farmer wrote to my supervisor: "Please tell O... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1974

<1min

Marriage Teachings

At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration."Tell us, Tom, just what is it you hav... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1850

<1min

Childlike Observations

After years of using the same perfumes, I decided to try something different and settled on a light, citrusy fragrance. The next day I was surprised when it was my little boy, not my husband, who firs... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1960

<1min

Signs From God, Diets

After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to town to avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of my favorite goodies.I ... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1839

<1min

Divorce and Bitterness

After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client, "Jill, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you.""Fair ... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1747

<1min

The Gift of Children

A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what yo... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1985

<1min

Lust, Sin, Perception

A Priest at a Church picnic was staring at a member of his parish wearing the tiniest of bikinis.A Nun walked over and said, "Shame on you Father, staring at that woman like that!"The Priest replied, ... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1945

<1min

Mistakes, Repentence, Direction

A police officer pulls over an eighty-six-year-old woman because her hand signals were confusing. "First you put your hand up, like you're turning right, then you wave your hand up and down, then you... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

2207

<1min

Offering and Sacrifice

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make an offering"Great idea!... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1931

<1min

Sin

A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist. After listening politely for over a half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and h... read more..

Long Weekends, Salvation, Today is the Day

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1865

<1min

Long Weekends, Salvation, Today is the Day

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Fin... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1925

<1min

Education, Motivation

A mathematics teacher came into the faculty room after she'd been watching a basketball game. Her face was glowing. "I've got the greatest idea for teaching!" she exclaimed."What do you mean? What'... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

2020

<1min

Evidence

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch tho... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1995

<1min

Twins

A friend and I were shopping for dresses for her three-year-old girls to wear to a wedding. In the store, another girl staring intently at Sarah and Becky asked, "Are those girls twins?""Actually they... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

2036

<1min

Do You Think I'll Find…?

A four-year-old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a to... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

2010

<1min

Slow Down Therapy - Part 3

26. Take a day off alone; make a retreat. You can learn from monks and hermits without becoming one. 27. Pet a furry friend. You will give and get the gift of now. 28. Work with your hands. It frees t... read more..

29 Jul

Illustrations

Pastor Tim

1940

<1min

Guide To Work Responses

1) If it rings, put it on hold. 2) If it clanks, call the repairman. 3) If it whistles, ignore it. 4) If it's a friend, take a break. 5) If it's the boss, look busy. 6) If it talks, take notes. read more..