Tim and I have been carrying substantial consumer debt for about ten years.  It began as a failed business idea many years ago, and has carried on from there as something we just couldn’t get ourselves out of.  To see the profile of our debt you would see a lot of up and down as we either made some headway or lost ground yet it has a relentless upward incline as the years progressed.  I hate debt and would sometimes become so overwhelmed at the hopelessness of it all I would spiral down into complete despair.  Tim’s perspective was that since our equity was greater, the debt wasn’t a really big deal but my despair was a big deal and that put a lot of pressure on him.

We had tried so many times over the years to get a handle on it, but inevitably the huge emotion I carried made it impossible for me to approach the topic objectively, and since Tim was already doing everything in his power to make it better, he was only defensive.  And so we carried on… stuck… sometimes making headway, more often losing ground… always stuck.

“There are those who… do not bless their mothers.”

In His grace, God was leading me to deal with the impaired, unhealthy relationship I’ve had with my Mom to bring His wholeness, healing and ultimately even more life to me.

I’ve spent many years intrigued by Jesus’ question of Bartimaeus when he cried out “Have mercy on me!”  Now as I read the same story, there’s a well of emotion that easily brings tears to my eyes.  The desperate tenaciousness of Bartimaeus and the loving compassion of my Savior mirror what I’ve seen Him do in my life too – and so the tears of thankfulness and empathy.  This is the story as told in Mark chapter 10:

⁴⁶Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus … was sitting by the roadside begging. When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!"

Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, "Son of David, have mercy on me!"

This next part of my journey to freedom involves my relationship with my mom.  In all my previous blog-posts when my story directly involves someone else, I’ve asked them to read what I’ve written before it is posted so I can edit anything they are not comfortable with before it goes public.  Unfortunately, I can’t do that this time.  Mom is alive, but she’s had a number of strokes which have affected her mind.  So in lieu of my mom, I asked my sister to read it.   She thought I should post it.

Still I hesitate…  I guess I need you to know a few things from the beginning:

• I really admire my mom.  I’ve admired her from about 4 years into my marriage.  If I’d been in her shoes I know I wouldn’t have done any better, and I truly believe I would have done even worse by a long shot.  Honestly.
• Mom has a lot a regrets over her “child rearing” years.  She has verbalized on several occasions that many of those years were “terrible,” and she wishes it had been different.
• I believe that if Mom were well enough to read and make sense of these next two posts she would have some measure of regret, but would ultimately be glad if they could be helpful for others to avoid the pitfalls she found herself in.

With these things in mind, I continue …