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"A Dieter's Christmas"

'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips

Were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips.

Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care

In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps

Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.

When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash

Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash

The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow

Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:

A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!

That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick

I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer

I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;

On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS

A Weight Watcher dropout form sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall

Now dash away pounds now dash away all.

Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress

My clothes were all bulging from too much excess

My droll little mouth and my round little belly

They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly

I spoke not a word but went straight to my work

Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn

I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned

I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry

If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night

In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!

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