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More Jokes

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    New Car

    The first Sunday after my husband and I bought a new car, we parked it in the last row of…
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    Mint Mom

    When the U.S. Mint reissued two-dollar bills, I thought they might someday become…
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    Summer Plans

    Summer vacation was almost about to start and the teacher asked little Sammy about a…
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    Ski Wax

    As a ski instructor, I sometimes tease my little pupils. Once I told seven year old Luke…
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    Foreign Languages

    A Swiss guy visited Sydney, Australia, and pulled up at a bus stop where two locals were…
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    Dog Calls

    Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty…
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    Real Newspaper Ads

    These are real ads from a newspaper. 1. 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850 or best offer 2.…
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    Price of Oranges

    Mrs. Goldberg was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the…
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    How's My Driving?

    I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it.I got…
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    Lost In Canada

    An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost on the prairie. After what…
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    Sweat Her Choice

    My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas. The next time we visited, I made sure…
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    Dusty Comeback

    My mom is a less than fastidious housekeeper.One evening my dad returned home from work,…
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    Suspicious Delivery

    There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the…
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    Letter Order

    Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Txes M&A Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the…
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    How to Bathe a Cat

    1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet…

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
Examples: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots & Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.
Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms & Mashed Potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.

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