More Jokes

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    Planting Time

    A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife: "I have decided to plant some…
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    Looking For The Lift

    As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a…
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    Kids' Kitchen Terms

    Kids' Kitchen TermsBOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck"…
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    Chess Playing Dog

    A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He…
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    Funny Quotes

    Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.- Red Buttons Did…
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    My Dog At It

    A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning. That was about half the…
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    Captain Discipline

    About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a…
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    Hearing Request

    During a January revival an evangelist asked the people in line what they needed.One…
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    Managing a Flag Pole

    A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So…
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    Green Side Up

    A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her.…
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    Old Goats

    A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a…
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    More Laws of Life

    * Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the…
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    Lost and Found

    A police car pulled up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa got out. The…
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    Goober on the Loose

    Three convicts escaped from prison. They made it to the downtown of a nearby city but…
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    Dalmation Role

    A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a…

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
Examples: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots & Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.
Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms & Mashed Potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!!)


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