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    Parrot Attitude

    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an…
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    Goober Skydiver

    If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one…
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    Play Quietly

    Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNell from Barra, but…
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    Strange Lawsuits

    An inmate filed a $5 million lawsuit against himself (he claimed that he violated his own…
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    Signs Your Cat Is Too Fat

    Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener. Confused guests constantly mistaking him…
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    Morning Run

    The drill sergeant, making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a…
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    Stork Reunion

    A man took his little boy to the zoo for the very first time. Each time they would see a…
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    Stupid Inventions

    Stupid Inventions: - Black Highlighter - Braille Driver's Manual - Clear Correction Fluid…
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    Television Bloopers - British Style

    "Liz Taylor is recovering in hospital after having had a benign tuna removed from just…
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    Lost

    Steve took his new wife camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along…
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    Dynamite Bumps

    If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one…
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    Spin the Bottle

    "We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it…
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    Poor Dad

    A father worked as an accountant for the Air National Guard. Despite a regular adequate…
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    Jury Excuse

    "Please, Your Honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty," pleaded an anxious-looking…
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    Diaper Change

    "Here's your problem," says the doctor to the first-time father. "This baby's in serious…

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
Examples: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots & Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.
Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms & Mashed Potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.

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