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    Real 911 Calls

    Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots…
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    Goober Computer Virus

    You have just received the Goober Computer Virus.Because we don't know how to program…
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    Subway Drop

    The Manhattan Commuter train was packed. Suddenly there was a jingle on the floor. Most…
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    You Know You've Been Out of College Too Long When:

    You Know You've Been Out of College Too Long When:* Your potted plants stay alive.* 6:00…
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    Simple Operation

    A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's…
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    Dangerous Dog

    Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, "Danger! Beware…
  • dog scotty

    Guard Dog Karate

    A young couple lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors had been robbed,…
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    Waterology

    I'm sure you've heard the old story referring to optimism and pessimism that is…
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    Bank Call

    One of my jobs at a bank is to answer the phones and put callers through to the right…
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    Razor Request

    Ronnie goes down to the barber shop. He gets his hair cut and then he is getting a shave.…
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    Parrot Attitude

    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an…
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    Take Out For Lunch

    Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to…
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    Life and Death

    A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying:"Remember, the first five minutes…
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    Pawn Return

    In 1952 I was in the Army and had just arrived in Frankfurt, Germany. I had no money and…
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    Fan Help

    Although I have three sons, it was always my daughter who helped me with chores around…

The following are actual medical records taken from patients' charts around North America:

- The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

- Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

- She is numb from her toes down.

- While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

- The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

- Patient was alert and unresponsive.

- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

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