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    Updated Punishment

    "When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, shaking his head, "I was…
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    Klopman Diamond

    A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the…
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    Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

    - It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting. - A…
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    No Rest

    The doctor had just been buried. The last words of the service over, his friends and…
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    Second Grade Math

    I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was learning about…
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    Jericho Walls

    The new pastor decided to visit the children's Sunday school. The teacher introduced him…
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    Cell Phone Flight Call

    En route to Hawaii, I noticed one of my passengers in the coach section of the airplane…
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    Great Writing

    There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great…
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    Things Mom Doesn't Want To Hear

    "Mom's List Of Things She Does Not Want To Hear"1. I swallowed the goldfish.2. Your…
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    Factory Supplies

    At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase some supplies. The machines'…
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    Seeing Eye Dogs

    Two men are walking their dogs. The first guy has a doberman, and the second guy has a…
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    You Know It's Time To Turn Your Computer Off When

    You know it's time to turn your computer off and read a book when ....... 1. A friend…
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    Expecting

    "How does Jamie like being pregnant?" Danny asked his friend Ryan."Oh, she's not…
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    Money Worries

    Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was…
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    Reasons Why Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen

    * They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run out of…

~ Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.  But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

~ There are three signs of old age.  The first is your loss of memory.
I forget the other two.

~ You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

~ Middle age is when work is a lot less fun--and fun is a lot more work.

~ Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man.  Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?

~ You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

~ Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

~ By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

~ Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

~ A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

~ You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

~ The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

~ You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

~ You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

~ The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

~ Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

~ It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

~ You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

~ Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

~ When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

~ You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down

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