logo

sign-up-for-free-cybersalt-today-button

More Jokes

  • Default Image

    Coffee Cool

    I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the…
  • Default Image

    Social Showdown

    Two older women, Coleen and Melinda, who were rivals in a social circle met at a…
  • Default Image

    One Little Square

    A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mum, what`s…
  • uspenny

    Penny Problems

    After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard…
  • Default Image

    Hog Mark-up

    My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next…
  • Default Image

    Anthill Golf

    Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill.Rather than move the ball, he…
  • Default Image

    Dog Driver

    As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind…
  • Default Image

    Dirty Hands in Class

    A teacher sees a student entering the classroom, his hands are very dirty.She stopped him…
  • Default Image

    Computer Error

    I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Bob the computer guy, to come over.…
  • Default Image

    2 Best Recipes

    Newlywed Wife: "The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie."Newlywed Husband:…
  • Default Image

    Hunting Pairs

    A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one…
  • Default Image

    Logic Amongst the Sciences

    A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people…
  • Default Image

    Procedure Recall

    As a resident physician in radiology, I was speaking with the man whose wife was about to…
  • Default Image

    Resume Help

    My husband, an auto mechanic, was looking for higher-paying work and asked me to write…
  • Default Image

    Dog Weather

    To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.If the dog is at the door…

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:...

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.  We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.  WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as [heck] everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY.  To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.  It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.  If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.  If you are travelling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area.  Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day.  During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.  Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.  And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Powered By JFBConnect