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    Peter's Portrait

    One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis,…
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    Baby Help

    Nancy's nephew was 4 when she was pregnant with her first kid. She allowed him to place…
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    Ironic Phone Call

    A guy showed up at church with both of his ears burned. His chum asked, "what happened to…
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    Mouth Surgery

    We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to…
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    Possessed Computer?

    For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers…
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    Misquote

    A friend of mine attended a Christian college where the tradition was to deliver a box of…
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    Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say

    10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.…
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    Bar Room Houdini

    A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance"…
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    Holding A Job

    A young man was a very slow worker and subsequently found it difficult to hold down a…
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    Bad Day Sign

    You know it's going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your bedroom door first…
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    Bible Hunt

    One fellow was violently tearing through his Bible in a desperate search when a friend…
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    Insufficient Brain Activity

    A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that…
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    New Friend Sincerity

    Last summer my wife and I met a couple at a restaurant. After lunch, the women decided to…
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    Police Rescue

    I remember the day when a police car pulled up to Grandma's house and Grandpa got out.…
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    Things You Do Not Want To Hear In Surgery

    1.) Better save that.? We'll need it for the autopsy.2.) Somebody call the janitor -…

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.

- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

- Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

- The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

- Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

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