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More Jokes

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    First Time Skydiver

    A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems…
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    Tough Kids

    Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were."I'm so tough", said the first…
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    Prescription Worries

    A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know,…
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    Analytical Gunfighters

    Two analytical chemists in the Wild West are on the town's main street, ready to draw…
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    New Convert Help

    He was not well-educated and rather rough and crude around the edges, but he was recently…
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    Tell Tale Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work

    Tell Tale Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work...- You've read the entire Dilbert…
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    Three Expectant Fathers

    Three expectant fathers were in the waiting room. The nurse came out of the delivery room…
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    Actual Hiker Comments

    These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and…
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    Cough Remedy

    The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The…
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    4 Year Ceiling

    A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the…
  • chef bad

    You Know You Are a Bad Cook When…

    - You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer. - You consider it a culinary success if the…
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    Roughing It

    A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip that the husband…
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    Mint Mom

    When the U.S. Mint reissued two-dollar bills, I thought they might someday become…
  • university

    Good Morning

    When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When…
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    Garage Keys

    The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.…

*Answering Machine Messages*

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.

Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

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