logo

sign-up-for-free-cybersalt-today-button

Answering Machine Messages

*Answering Machine Messages*

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.

Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

More Jokes

  • Default Image

    Kitchen Wizard

    My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she…
  • Default Image

    In-Flight Humor

    Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture,"…
  • Default Image

    Goobers Fishing

    Three goobers are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in…
  • house brick

    House Points

    "This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad…
  • Default Image

    Real Newspaper Ads

    These are real ads from a newspaper. 1. 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850 or best offer 2.…
  • Default Image

    Speeding Registration

    On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the…
  • Default Image

    Jar 47

    A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed…
  • Default Image

    Melanie is Watching

    One day while driving with my then 4 year old daughter Melanie, I beeped the horn by…
  • Dog New Year's Resolutions

    Your Dog's New Year's Resolutions

    I will not bark each time I see or hear a dog on TV. I will not steal underwear belonging…
  • Default Image

    The Lord's Prayer - Sort of

    A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at…
  • Default Image

    Tub Baptism

    A friend of mine took her four-year-old daughter to a baptismal service at her church.…
  • Default Image

    Water Pistol

    When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a…
  • Default Image

    Fast Driver

    My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we…
  • Default Image

    Buffalo Comments

    Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those are the…
  • Default Image

    Paper Walls

    As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the…