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    Rest In Peace

    A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for…
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    Corrections

    IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our…
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    G.I. Excuses

    The General went out to find that none of his GIs were there. One finally ran up, panting…
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    Do Not Disturb

    After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a…
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    Parting Words

    A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church…
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    Technical Terms for the Strictly Amish

    Log on: making a wood stove hotterLog off: don't add no more woodMonitor: keeping an eye…
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    Learning From Snowmen

    "All I Need to Know about Life I Learned From a Snowman.... " It's okay if you're a…
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    No ID

    A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal…
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    Dextrocardia Question

    I went to a medical clinic for an electrocardiogram. While the technician was lining up…
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    Suitor Approval

    A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old enough to date,…
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    Labor Costs

    A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with…
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    Name Confusion

    Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's reservation that showed…
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    Brick Order

    A man goes into his local building supply store and orders 10,000 bricks."May I ask what…
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    Goober at the River

    You can find a picture of a goober at…
What your baby would tell you if he could talk:

1. I have my blankie, you have your caffeine. Enough said.

2. Don't be jealous, but I think I'm in love with the ceiling fan.

3. I know where the remote control is, but it'll cost you.

4. To you, it's just an empty egg carton; to me it's PlayStation 2.

5. Actually, I don't mind sitting in a bathtub that I've peed in.

6. Bang a screwdriver slowly and steadily into your gums. That's what teething feels like.

7. Two words I'd rather not hear from you: rectal thermometer.

8. There's no point in teaching me to say "mama" or "dada." My first word is going to be "hat."

9. I've told you five times what cow says. If you can't remember, I'm not telling you again.

10. There is no question that I can cry longer than you can listen.

11. I'm not just wildly throwing my food. I'm exploring the laws of gravity, estimating mass, and testing wind velocity.

12. If you wanted a good sleeper, you should have gotten a cat.

13. Who that baby in the mirror you keep asking me about?

14. If my bottom is so darn cute, why is someone always trying to cover it up?

15. Who are you two to tell me how important it is to sleep alone?

16. What you secretly believe is true: I am much smarter than other babies.
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