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More Jokes

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    Y1K

    Canterbury, England. AD 999. An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout…
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    Fortunate Aged People

    Old folks are worth a fortune: With silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in…
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    Memento

    Friend: "I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?" Woman:…
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    Positively Wrong

    A linguistics professor was lecturing his class."In English," he explained, "a double…
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    Crate of Chickens

    The farmer's son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his father had…
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    Love Campaign

    The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite…
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    Where'd we get him?

    Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we…
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    First Date Nerves

    A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks…
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    Tow Request

    The minister's car wouldn't start and so he called the garage to come and tow it in for…
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    Checking In

    Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant…
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    Day Off From School

    On Monday a call came in to the school receptionist. "Hello. Please mark William absent…
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    Funny Quotes

    Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.- Red Buttons Did…
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    Cell Phone Flight Call

    En route to Hawaii, I noticed one of my passengers in the coach section of the airplane…
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    Disguising Presents

    Three-year-old Elizabeth was helping her mother Melinda wrap a present for her father.…
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    Losing New Balls

    Morris had been playing golf for years. He always used the very finest equipment, but his…
What your baby would tell you if he could talk:

1. I have my blankie, you have your caffeine. Enough said.

2. Don't be jealous, but I think I'm in love with the ceiling fan.

3. I know where the remote control is, but it'll cost you.

4. To you, it's just an empty egg carton; to me it's PlayStation 2.

5. Actually, I don't mind sitting in a bathtub that I've peed in.

6. Bang a screwdriver slowly and steadily into your gums. That's what teething feels like.

7. Two words I'd rather not hear from you: rectal thermometer.

8. There's no point in teaching me to say "mama" or "dada." My first word is going to be "hat."

9. I've told you five times what cow says. If you can't remember, I'm not telling you again.

10. There is no question that I can cry longer than you can listen.

11. I'm not just wildly throwing my food. I'm exploring the laws of gravity, estimating mass, and testing wind velocity.

12. If you wanted a good sleeper, you should have gotten a cat.

13. Who that baby in the mirror you keep asking me about?

14. If my bottom is so darn cute, why is someone always trying to cover it up?

15. Who are you two to tell me how important it is to sleep alone?

16. What you secretly believe is true: I am much smarter than other babies.
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