logo

sign-up-for-free-cybersalt-today-button

More Jokes

  • Default Image

    You've Had Too Much Coffee When

    You've had too much coffee when: 1. You ski uphill. 2. You get a speeding ticket even…
  • Default Image

    Efficiency

    An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try…
  • Default Image

    Bare Bones Moving

    The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping…
  • power workers

    Checking Out

    I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. Just…
  • Default Image

    Charity Answer

    Father O'Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He…
  • Default Image

    Maine Vets

    Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one…
  • Default Image

    Chicken on the Go (Pun Warning)

    What do call a chicken on the go? Poultry in motion
  • Default Image

    Washing Settings

    One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he…
  • Default Image

    Workplace Insanity

    How to keep a healthy level of insanity in the workplace…
  • Default Image

    The Rules of Bureaucracy

    1. Preserve thyself.2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.3. A penny…
  • Default Image

    Yiddish Speak

    During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli…
  • Default Image

    Ten Things a Mom Doesn't Want to Hear

    1. I swallowed a goldfish. 2. Your lipstick works better than crayons. 3. Does grape…
  • Default Image

    Fishing Wife

    "So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over coffee. "I thought you just…
  • Default Image

    Dark Parachute Jumps

    Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps difficult and dangerous. So we…
  • Default Image

    Professor Turns Plumber

    A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked. He called a…
Dear Kids,

Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply taking a bath. It will take about thirty minutes and will involve soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I've got energy for. (Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects, but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)

Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people don't dissolve in water and I'd like to test the theory. While I'm in the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things. The large slab of wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I promise that even though you can't see me, I *am* on the other side. I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border,no matter what I said a while ago. I didn't mean it. Honest. There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your day.

"Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have important things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.

Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom door will *not* make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a message. Since Amazing Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your brother and the laundry marker. We can't send him to school with telephone number tattoos.

Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between the sound of "nothing" and the sound of a child playing the piano with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs. I'm *choosing* NOT to answer you.

Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the bathroom. He didn't appreciate it last time. He won't appreciate it more this time. Trust me.

No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful. I remember who you are and why you are grounded. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to play. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to use the bathroom. If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going outside to "water" the lawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbors don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it.

Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention. I know it works in the movies. This is reality, the place where people don't like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken glass rain in on them. Do not set the house on fire. Call me if there is an emergency.

Emergencies ARE:
1. Dad has fallen off the roof.
2. Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.
3. There's a red fire truck in front of our house.
Emergencies are NOT:
1. Dad has fallen asleep.
2. Someone on TV is bleeding.
3. There's a red pickup truck in front of our house.

One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little white polka dots. In the future, when the tub overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house. For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, Okay? No, I don't want to hear the real story. Ever. Especially not while I'm standing in the pool of water you missed.

By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled.

Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time. Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table.

I'll be out soon. Maybe.

Love,
Your Mom
Powered By JFBConnect