logo

sign-up-for-free-cybersalt-today-button

Beware of Bread

A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "SMELL OF BAKED BREAD MAY BE HEALTH HAZARD." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread.  The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).  I was horrified.  When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming?  Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread?

Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice ....

1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse.  The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis.

7: Bread has been proven to be addictive.  Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, actually begged for bread after only two days.

8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to harder items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.

9: Bread has been proven to absorb water.  Since the human body is more than
90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!  That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

11: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1: No sale of bread to minors.
2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colours (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5: A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.

Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.

Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.

More Jokes

  • Default Image

    The Cowboy's New Car

    Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart alec Tex" said the…
  • red life_saver

    Officer Overboard

    On a U.S. cruiser the officer of the deck asked the starboard lookout, "What would you do…
  • Default Image

    How Gevernment Works

    Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress…
  • Default Image

    Job Impressions

    I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always…
  • doctor4

    Second Opinion

    A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very worried and all strung out. She rattled…
  • picture of eyeglasses

    Looking Back

    Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the…
  • Default Image

    Shott Versus Nott

    A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not.…
  • Default Image

    This Town is so Small...

    This town is so small . . .- The City Jail is called amoeba, because it only has one…
  • Default Image

    Bathroom Break

    On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone…
  • Default Image

    Re-Gifting

    She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, she thought, I have that…
  • Default Image

    Guard Dog Sniff

    My boyfriend, Tim, a mechanic, does work for the Air Force Academy. One day, a guard…
  • restaurant waitress

    Lost in the Translation

    Two diners at a very swanky eatery were shocked to see on the menu a dish of…
  • Default Image

    Bunch Of Laughs

    Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: The Gate of…
  • Default Image

    Cheap Rhymes With Jeep

    A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I…
  • Default Image

    Hi Tech Watch

    A man is at Grand Central Station waiting for his train which leaves at 6:00 PM but he…