logo

sign-up-for-free-cybersalt-today-button

Beware of Bread

A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "SMELL OF BAKED BREAD MAY BE HEALTH HAZARD." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread.  The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).  I was horrified.  When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming?  Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread?

Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice ....

1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse.  The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis.

7: Bread has been proven to be addictive.  Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, actually begged for bread after only two days.

8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to harder items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.

9: Bread has been proven to absorb water.  Since the human body is more than
90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!  That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

11: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1: No sale of bread to minors.
2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colours (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5: A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.

Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.

Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.

Powered By JFBConnect

More Jokes

  • Default Image

    Rainy Weather Humor

    Nothing personal against Seattlites - change it to any other place getting a lot of rain.…
  • deer

    Deer Prayer

    The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. The…
  • Default Image

    Goober Circle

    A goober had just bought a new sports car and was out for a drive when she swerved…
  • newspaper2

    Called In Sick

    Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union…
  • Default Image

    Tracing Family

    Dear Abby:I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to…
  • Default Image

    Dads and Babies

    My two daughters were having a discussion about family resemblance. "I look like Mom,"…
  • Default Image

    *Food Spoilage Tests For Bachelors*

    THE GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you…
  • Default Image

    Hamster Care

    After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom,…
  • Default Image

    Methuselah Diet

    Methuselah ate what he found on his plateAnd never, as people do nowDid he note the…
  • dog4

    Waiting at the Door

    I was hospitalized for a few days, and my wife reported that my dog really missed me.…
  • Default Image

    Light Bulb List Members

    Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?A: 1,331:1…
  • Default Image

    Military Time

    My wife Delores never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she…
  • university building

    Chair Philosophy

    An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing…
  • chickens

    Chickens in the Sack

    If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one here. There were two…
  • Default Image

    How the Media Would Cover the Apocalypse

    How the Media Would Cover the Apocalypse USA Today:WE'RE DEAD The Wall Street Journal:DOW…