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    Your Cat's New Year's Resolutions

    My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that. I will not…
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    Well Done

    John was furious when his steak arrived too rare."Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear…
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    Spa First Day

    A woman joined a health spa, and on her first day eagerly joined in an exercise class.…
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    Doctor's Orders

    Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous…
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    Need a Push

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over…
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    Job Search Woe

    Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure…
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    Rattlesnake Ammo

    An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter…
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    Goodwill Offering

    During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he…
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    Pole Contest

    A phone company put an ad in the paper in order to recruit workers.The next day, two…
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    Computer Users

    Computer users are divided into three types: Novice, Intermediate, and Expert. Novice…
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    Frazzled Doctor

    As soon as I stepped into the urgent-care facility in my hometown, I could see the place…
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    Anesthesia

    An oral surgeon was scheduled to extract four wisdom teeth from Jim, a high-school…
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    Hearing Problems

    An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the…
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    Get Me Out

    My husband David's colleague at a package-processing center was trapped in a small rest…

"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."
- Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
- Anonymous Manufacturer

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
- AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach

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