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More Jokes

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    Think!

    In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the…
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    12 Days of Fastfood

    On the first day of Christmas,My drive through gave to me:A Big Bacon Classic with…
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    General Motors Help Line

    General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive, because…
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    Mom's Clarinet

    My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was…
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    Monitors

    I sell new and used computers for a living. At an exhibit and sale, I decided to give…
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    Work Confusion

    A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks.The man was…
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    If You Love Something Variations

    THE ORIGINAL VERSION:If you love something,Set it free...If it comes back, it's yours;If…
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    College Nerves

    While touring the University with some college-bound friends, I saw an advertisement that…
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    Three Escape

    Three women escaped from prison....one was a goober. They ran for miles until they came…
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    Half Diet

    A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her…
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    More Sayings

    Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets. Life is an…
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    Bank Enunciation

    Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to…
  • face surprised

    Family Feud Answers

    *Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show Family…
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    Tips On Love

    *Tips On Love From Those That Should Know*(all questions were answered by kids, age…
  • doctor4

    Baby Prescription

    A woman brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had…

Some memorable quotes from Bob Hope:

ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".

ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100 ", I do not feel old. In fact, I do not feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ...the referee kept stepping on them."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."

ON GOLF "Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY, "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS, "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES, "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

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