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More Jokes

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    Kid Comments

    * A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the earth ?"One lil' girl spoke up:…
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    Reasons Why Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen

    * They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run out of…
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    Cheap Rhymes With Jeep

    A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I…
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    Second Grade Math

    I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was learning about…
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    Omitted Stories

    Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of…
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    Refueling

    Once my wife and I had to take a flight that had 4 other stops before arriving at the…
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    Meet the Parents

    A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my…
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    Little Johnny's Bike

    Little Johnny was one of those holy terrors. His dad was surprised when Johnny's mom…
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    Question and Answer

    A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.On the paper…
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    Parrot Auction

    One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this…
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    Bell Call

    The scene: Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory.An exciting new discovery is about to take…
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    English vs Western

    My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses…
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    Self-Evident Truths About Pets

    *Self-Evident Truths About Pets** Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they…
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    What Doctors are Thinking

    What doctors say, and what they're really thinking: "This should be taken care of right…
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    Golf Survey

    My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18…

Some memorable quotes from Bob Hope:

ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".

ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100 ", I do not feel old. In fact, I do not feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ...the referee kept stepping on them."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."

ON GOLF "Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY, "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS, "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES, "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

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