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More Jokes

  • Picture of a hunter

    Pygmy Hunter

    A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing…
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    Kitchen Wizard

    My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she…
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    Four Letter Words

    A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride…
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    Job Application

    This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food…
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    Largest Amphibious Assault

    I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What…
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    Stolen Goat

    The following is a quote from a director of sports information in the Navy, regarding the…
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    Car Names Explained

    "Car Names Explained"(My car is in here so don't be offended if yours is too!)AUDI -…
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    Dead Horse

    The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says…
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    Removing The Dents

    A goober left his car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over he checked the car and…
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    100 GB

    Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the…
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    Instructions for Microsoft's New TV Dinner

    You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honour…
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    Come and Get Me

    My brother dropped off his wife at the hairstylist and she was supposed to call me when…
  • preacher1

    Sinner

    The preacher spent his whole sermon relating the evils of sin and how all men are sinners…
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    "If It" Office Advice

    If it rings, answer it. Talk kindly. If it clanks, call the repairman. If it whistles,…

Some memorable quotes from Bob Hope:

ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".

ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100 ", I do not feel old. In fact, I do not feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ...the referee kept stepping on them."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."

ON GOLF "Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY, "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS, "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES, "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

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