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More Jokes

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    Tub Baptism

    A friend of mine took her four-year-old daughter to a baptismal service at her church.…
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    Cross Country Move

    When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our…
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    Pet Hotline

    The Iams Pet Professionals, a team of 30 trained customer service representatives at The…
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    Shhhhhh!

    A father had three very active boys. One summer evening, he was playing cops and robbers…
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    Einstein At A Party

    Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and…
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    Call to Principal

    The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school. "Hello, this is Dunn…
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    Cake Baking for Mom's of Small Children

    Cake Baking for Mom's of Small Children Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.…
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    What A Hoot

    Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night,…
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    Alcohol Consumption Warnings

    Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the…
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    Wedding Cake Verse

    A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding…
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    Talking Surprise

    On a hot summer day, a farmer and his dog were riding in a wagon pulled by two horses.…
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    Delivery Suspicion

    There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the…
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    Go Easy at First

    Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight…
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    Top Ten Signs You Might Have a Bad Furnace Repair Guy

    10. His face permanently blackened like a cartoon bomb went off 9. Pushes his personal…

Some memorable quotes from Bob Hope:

ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".

ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100 ", I do not feel old. In fact, I do not feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ...the referee kept stepping on them."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."

ON GOLF "Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY, "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS, "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES, "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

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