logo

sign-up-for-free-cybersalt-today-button

More Jokes

  • Default Image

    Razor Request

    Ronnie goes down to the barber shop. He gets his hair cut and then he is getting a shave.…
  • Default Image

    Dispatch Message

    One night at McCord Air Force Base, I was dispatched to check out the security fence…
  • Default Image

    Brazilian Jungle

    Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle. "I'm here," declared…
  • Default Image

    Comprehending Engineers

    Take One A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly…
  • money

    Money

    Money can buy a house, but not a home.Money can buy a bed, but not sleep.Money can buy a…
  • Default Image

    Cat Prayer

    Cat PrayerNow I lay me down to sleep,I pray this cushy life to keep.I pray for toys that…
  • Default Image

    Home Early

    Little Dewey burst through the front door with a smile on his face. Surprised, his mother…
  • Default Image

    Congratulations "Good" News!

    * The parachute company says you'll get a full refund. * They say the house didn't float…
  • Default Image

    Church Hopping

    A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years. Finally one day a…
  • Default Image

    Baby Help

    Nancy's nephew was 4 when she was pregnant with her first kid. She allowed him to place…
  • Default Image

    Birds and Bees

    Donald Ogden Stewart, the writer, had a son away at prep school. When the boy reached the…
  • Default Image

    Flying Blind

    One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting…
  • Default Image

    Advertising Terms Explained

    *Advertising Terms Explained*NEW - Different color from previous design.ALL NEW - Parts…
  • pedestrian pictogram

    Walking Out

    "I hope you didn't take it personally, Pastor," an embarrassed woman said after a church…
  • Default Image

    Sunday Service

    A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.After the…

Dieting is a lot easier when you factor in recently determined calorie counting principles. The following are calories that don't count:

CUSTOM MADE FOOD: Anything somebody made "just for you" must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be rude. But don't worry, because the calories don't count.

FOOD EATEN QUICKLY: If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn't count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.

OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD: A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it.

INGREDIENTS IN COOKING: Chocolate chips are fattening. So are chocolate chip cookies! However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore, make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them.

LEFTOVERS: An extra hamburger, a hotdog butt, half a Twinkie, anything intended for the garbage has no calories regardless of what happens to it in the kitchen.

TV FOOD: Anything eaten in front of a TV has no calories. This may have something to do with the radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in the food but also all recollection of having eaten it. In fact, entire " no-calories dinners" are now manufactured and frozen for this purpose.

ANYTHING SMALLER THAN ONE INCH: contains no calories to speak of. For example, chocolate kisses, cubes of cheese, or maraschino cherries.

CHILDREN'S FOOD: Anything purchased, produced or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca-consumed for demonstration purposes-up to and including cookies baked and sent to college.

CHARITABLE FOODS: Girl Scout cookies, bake sale cookies, ice cream socials and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation from calories. I heard this last Sunday.

LEFT-HANDED FOOD: If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories.

AND LAST, FOOD ON FOOT: All food eaten while standing has no calories.

Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor. Walking seems to accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hotdog eaten at a carnival actually has a calorie deficit.

Powered By JFBConnect