logo

sign-up-for-free-cybersalt-today-button

Clinton Deploys Vowels

This cleanlaugh is a classic - originally out in 1996.

WORLD NEWS:

CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grznyslated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My goodness, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please." Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."

If the initial airlift is successful, Clinton said the United States will go ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with C-130's airdropping thousands more letters over every area of Bosnia. Other nations are expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British "A's" and 6,500 Canadian "U's."Japan, rich in A's and O's, was asked to participate, but declined.

"With these valuable letters, the people of war-ravaged Bosnia will be able to make some terrific new words," Clinton said. "It should be very exciting for them, and much easier for us to read their maps."

Linguists praise the US's decision to send the vowels. For decades they have struggled with the hard consonants and difficult pronunciation of most Slavic words. "Vowels are crucial to construction of all language," Baylor University linguist Noam Frankel said. "Without them, it would be difficult to utter a single word, much less organize a coherent sentence. Please,just don't get me started on the moon-man languages they use in those Eastern European countries."

According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have vowels, they will be able to construct such valuable sentences as: "The potatoes are ready"; "I believe it will rain"; and "Oh my goodness, there's an axe in my head!"

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and horded by violent, gun-toting warlords.

Powered By JFBConnect

More Jokes

  • Default Image

    The English Language

    Lets face itEnglish is a stupid language.There is no egg in the eggplantNo ham in the…
  • milk bottles

    Dear Milkman…

    A long time ago, when milk was delivered to the door by a milkman, people would sometimes…
  • Default Image

    No Chat Excuse

    After a close friend moved away, we began to communicate by computer. We met each week in…
  • Default Image

    Good News Dewey

    Olga phoned her husband, Dewey, at work for a chat. "I'm sorry dear," said Dewey, "but…
  • man

    The Perfect Man

    The finalist has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man. After careful…
  • Default Image

    Finkel's Fine

    A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, Hello, darling, I'd like to talk…
  • Default Image

    Rope Response

    A young fellow just starting into cattle ranching called the old cowboy one rainy evening…
  • A Picture of a stack of books

    Back To School

    After raising 4 kids, and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the…
  • Default Image

    Golf Beginner

    A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.Thinking he'd try the game, he…
  • Default Image

    Moth Madness

    A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a…
  • Default Image

    $100 Coffee

    A street person approached a passer-by and said, "Sir, would you give me $100 for a cup…
  • Default Image

    Information Assistance

    "Information. Can I help you?" "I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please." "One…
  • high tea

    Two Teas

    1st customer: I'll have tea. 2nd customer: Me, too. And be sure the cup is clean! (The…
  • Default Image

    Lost Over Washington State

    A helicopter was flying around above Washington State yesterday when an electrical…
  • Default Image

    CIA Note

    A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with…