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    Famous Last Words

    *Famous Last Words* *Ha! They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... *Don't unplug it,…
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    Buy A Verdict

    Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of…
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    Dusty Comeback

    My mom is a less than fastidious housekeeper.One evening my dad returned home from work,…
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    Temperance River

    A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had…
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    School Excuse

    At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade teachers were Miss Paine and…
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    A Man's Guide to What A Woman Is Saying

    I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. .... without you in it. DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? We haven't…
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    Kids' Instructions for Life

    Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, Age 10 When you want something expensive,…
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    Too Late To Date

    An elderly woman died last month.Having never married, she requested no male…
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    Merchant Captain

    One of the world's most famous merchant captains died, having long been admired by his…
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    Cats

    "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.""In a cat's eye, all things…
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    Rules for Editing

    Some of you have noticed a few typos in the CleanLaugh list now and then. To improve this…
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    Army Nurse Training

    During basic training for the Army Nurse Corps, we were required to spend one week in the…
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    New Survivor

    Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show? Here's the details: - 6 Married…
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    The Beginning

    When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his…
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    Principal Rounds

    It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible…

cookingTongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.

Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on tables since

children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

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