logo

sign-up-for-free-cybersalt-today-button

More Jokes

  • Default Image

    One Rifle Hunting

    If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one…
  • Default Image

    All You Can Drink

    There was a business man driving down this country road when he spotted a little boy that…
  • Default Image

    Restroom Use Policy

    FROM: Human Resources DepartmentSUBJECT: Restroom Use PolicyIn the past, employees were…
  • picture of army boots

    New Recruit

    As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had…
  • Default Image

    Missed Delivery

    Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So, when one irate…
  • Default Image

    Chair Test

    An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing…
  • Default Image

    Bloopers in the Media

    "Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."- Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange…
  • Default Image

    Lost Pigs

    Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered…
  • Default Image

    Restaurant Rating

    I was meeting a friend in a restaurant and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls…
  • Default Image

    Spelling Information

    "Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company.""Would you spell that,…
  • Default Image

    Grandma and God

    My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are…
  • Default Image

    Even More Cute Kids

    A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old…
  • Default Image

    Fight Lights

    I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that…
  • Default Image

    Picture Favor

    Dining out one evening, I noticed six teenagers boisterously celebrating some event at a…
  • Default Image

    Poor Preacher

    After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give…

25 Easy Ways to Curb the Annoying Problem of Church Growth

1. Begin your message with the phrase, "You know what's wrong with you people..."

2. Place the student Sunday school space near the "Ruth class" for ladies 70 and above.

3. Move business meetings to Sunday morning and open up the floor by asking, "So does anybody have a beef?"

4. Begin that year-long sermon series on the 40 weeks of Daniel.

5. Place a polygraph machine on the front pew to be used during the invitation time.

6. Place tire puncture strips in the parking lot for cars going the wrong way before Sunday school.

7. Pick a NASCAR driver as your favorite and complain about all the other drivers (this works best in Alabama).

8. Place the roller coaster "You must be this tall" sign at the entrance of the worship center. (And make it stand about 5' 8 1/2")

9. Keep the Christmas pageant livestock in the church choir room year 'round.

10. Announce that on high attendance Sunday, if the goal is met, everyone will kiss the pig!

11. If your auditorium slopes downward to the platform, give every kid under 12 a handful of marbles before the service.

12. Give deacons the ability to "gong" the special music.

13. Place the outdoor welcome center tent a few feet from the septic tank.

14. Replace the pictures of former pastors with pictures of Larry, Moe, and Curly.

15. Start arranging marriages in the singles department.

16. Put a blank for "weight" on the membership information forms.

17. Invite the "cops" crew along during hospital visits.

18. Demand mandatory drug tests for all senior adult excursions.

19. In order to feel relevant, say "Dude" 15 times from the pulpit each Sunday.

20. Have the organist play hockey cheers at pivotal moments of the sermon.

21. Place armed guards in front of the Sunday school supply closet.

22. Before the offertory hymn, have the worship leader scream, "Show me the money!"

23. Charge tolls for the use of restrooms.

24. Illustrate all sermons or Sunday school lessons with scenes from "Walker, Texas Ranger."

25. Use the "American Idol" format for staff hirings.

Written by Matt Tullos.

Powered By JFBConnect