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    Martha's Way vs My Way

    Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent…
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    Best Guide

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    Shoe Repair

    Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from…
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    Pillar Interruption

    The Sunday School teacher described how Lot's wife looked back at Sodom and was turned…
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    Computer Problem Report Form

    COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM: 1. Describe your problem:…
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    Office Dog

    A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a…
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    Skeleton in the Closet

    If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one…
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    Landing Check

    I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in…
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    24 Pigs

    A young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first case in South Carolina. A…
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    Parking Confusion

    After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping…
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    Work P-p-p-p-p-roblem

    A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and…
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    Prescription Labels

    A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing. One day they were discussing the…
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    New Duct Tape

    I was with my eldest son one day, driving around town in my old Toyota pickup, when…
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    Vendor Problem

    In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data…
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    A Man's Guide to What A Woman Is Saying

    I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. .... without you in it. DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? We haven't…

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any ol' person vote. --Age 10

Home is where the house is. --Age 6

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.  But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day.  At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies.  Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15

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