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More Jokes

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    CD Generation

    After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs, she was excited to discover…
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    Visiting Grandma

    Grandma, who appeared to become an ever-more intimidating personality as the years went…
  • A funny diatribe about children and parenting

    Lamentation For Our Kids

    This is rather lengthy but funny. *Laws Pertaining to Dessert* For we judge between the…
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    Exam Assistance

    In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not…
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    Have More Fun at Church

    After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've…
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    Stuck Between Floors

    Soon after our high-tech company moved into a new building, we had trouble with the…
  • colors

    Colorful Grandma

    I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I…
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    Fair Trial

    A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says,"Before I begin this trial, I…
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    Kid Say

    The best laughs I have known in life have been from my own children. I have captured…
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    Gators!

    While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim,…
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    In Charge

    One evening a preschooler, Krystal, and her parents were sitting on the couch chatting.…
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    Return Policy

    The store's policy on returns was prominently posted at every register as well as…
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    Three Escape

    Three women escaped from prison....one was a goober. They ran for miles until they came…
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    Strange Allergy

    Because of an ear infection, my young son, Casey, had to go to the paediatrician. I was…
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    Talking Surprise

    On a hot summer day, a farmer and his dog were riding in a wagon pulled by two horses.…

Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work

~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.

~ The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

~ I prefer to remain an enigma.

~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

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