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More Jokes

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    Bulletin Humor

    I hope the bulletin in your church is more accurate than the ones that these occurred in.…
  • class room

    Tough Teacher

    A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of…
  • flower geranium

    Geraniums

    A man walked into a flower shop and after looking around for several minutes, asked the…
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    Birthday Surprise

    A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over…
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    Ten Things a Mom Doesn't Want to Hear

    1. I swallowed a goldfish. 2. Your lipstick works better than crayons. 3. Does grape…
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    Razor Request

    Ronnie goes down to the barber shop. He gets his hair cut and then he is getting a shave.…
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    Airport Mistletoe

    It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to…
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    Thanksgiving Grace

    My family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks. When they were…
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    Golf Survey

    My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18…
  • woman old

    I'm Aging Gracefully

    I'm the life of the party ... even when it lasts until 8 p.m I'm very good at opening…
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    Smart Chauffer

    When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found…
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    Change Help

    A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and…
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    Goober Pilots

    Two Goobers (pilots) are trying to land an airplane. They start descending and as they…
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    You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When…

    You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When...You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when…
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    Helpless Creatures

    A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur…

Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work

~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.

~ The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

~ I prefer to remain an enigma.

~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

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