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More Jokes

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    Deep Thoughts

    From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep…
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    Oil Spill

    After a lady's car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of…
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    Parking Confusion

    After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping…
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    Patio Problem

    My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement…
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    Really Impressed

    As a psychologist, my first job was working in a small clinic. One of my patients was a…
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    Looking For Mike

    After directory assistance gave Glenda her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialed…
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    Goober Puzzle

    One morning this goober calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have…
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    Sisters at the Superbowl

    Two elderly sisters donated $25 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to the…
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    Cinderella Question

    The tax accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter…
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    Little Benjamin

    Little Benjamin came running into the kitchen where is mother was working. "Mom, can I…
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    Afraid of The Dark

    A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back…
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    Professionalism Test

    Read this out loud:This is this catThis is is catThis is how catThis is to catThis is…
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    I'm Not Sure

    When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure.""Look in…
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    Flood Prediction

    Meteorological experts predicted a massive flood that would destroy the world.The Pope…
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    You Know It's Time To Turn Your Computer Off When

    You know it's time to turn your computer off and read a book when ....... 1. A friend…

Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work

~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.

~ The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

~ I prefer to remain an enigma.

~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

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