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More Jokes

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    Banking Woes

    The girl came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial…
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    24 Pigs

    A young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first case in South Carolina. A…
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    Catching Fish

    A guy had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without…
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    Alligator Teeth

    A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. "What is it made of?" she…
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    Computer T-Shirt Slogans - #3

    Why doesn't DOS ever say 'EXCELLENT'Shell to DOS, Come in DOS, do you COPY?All computers…
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    Missed Delivery

    Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So, when one irate…
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    Mad Cow Conversation

    Two cows are conversing in a field. The first one says to the other, "Have you heard…
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    Sick Day

    Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a…
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    Letter From Mom

    When the man came home, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed. "My…
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    Proposal Reaction

    A young man confided to his mother that he had proposed to his girlfriend and they were…
  • woman sleepy

    Sorry I'm Late

    Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy…
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    Bakery Robbery

    My cousin was behind the bakery's cash register one morning when a gunman burst in and…
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    Dads and Babies

    My two daughters were having a discussion about family resemblance. "I look like Mom,"…
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    Penny Problems

    After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard…
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    Grandma Thanks

    A grandmother was headed out the door to go to church one Sunday when she got a call from…

Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work

~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.

~ The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

~ I prefer to remain an enigma.

~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

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