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More Jokes

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    Glacier Work

    A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look at all…
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    Used Lawn Mower

    A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard…
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    Coffee Choices

    In our home we tend to get the children to help out. One day our youngest son came in to…
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    Chicken Farming

    A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city…
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    Dental Mommy

    For the first time, my four-year-old daughter Kelsey was coming to my office to have me,…
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    Family Records

    The following was overheard at a recent high society party..."My ancestry goes all the…
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    Little Encouragement

    The minister was shaking everyone's hand while they were leaving the church. An elderly…
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    Police Rescue

    I remember the day when a police car pulled up to Grandma's house and Grandpa got out.…
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    10 Minutes Alone

    After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun, the platoon stood in front…
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    New Appointment

    Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.Judge: And why is…
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    A Few Shelves

    If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one…
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    Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care

    *Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care*Q. What does HMO stand for?A. This is…
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    Pygmy Hunter

    A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing…
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    Extra Fudge

    I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with extra hot…
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    Ash Request

    A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me…

Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work

~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.

~ The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

~ I prefer to remain an enigma.

~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

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