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More Jokes

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    Reversal of Fortune

    Dear John, I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you…
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    Bank Arrangements

    Who knows if this is true. Just the same, it's funny!I am told that a 98-year-old woman…
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    Signature Birthday Surprise

    A famous author was autographing copies of his new novel in a Cleveland department store.…
  • Tourist asks cabbie if Israel is really a healthy country.

    Healthy Tourism

    Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Israel. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson…
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    Goober Skydiver

    If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one…
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    Goober Puzzle

    One morning this goober calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have…
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    Bad News From The Doctor

    A man hadn't been feeling well at all, so he went to his doctor for a complete check-up.…
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    Blind Ambition

    Charlie Boswell has always been one of my heroes. He has inspired me and thousands of…
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    Sam's Fishing

    A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish…
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    Home Early

    Little Dewey burst through the front door with a smile on his face. Surprised, his mother…
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    Dog Weather

    To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.If the dog is at the door…
  • picture of weights

    Weight For Help

    Somewhat skeptical of his son's new found determination to become Charles Atlas, the…
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  • picture of a doily

    Doily Box

    As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near…
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    Eye Contact

    A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her…

Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work

~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.

~ The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

~ I prefer to remain an enigma.

~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

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