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couple argue1.  What are you thinking about?
2.  Do you love me?
3.  Do I look fat?
4.  Do you think she is prettier than me?
5.  What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly.  Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear.  I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
A.  Baseball.
B.  Football.
C.  Curling.
D.  Golf.
E.  How I would spend the insurance money if you died.  (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by a TV sitcom, where the husband told his wife, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear!"
Inappropriate responses include:
A.  I suppose so.
B.  Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
C.  That depends on what you mean by love.
D.  Does it matter?
E.  Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
A.  Compared to what?
B.  I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
C.  A little extra weight looks good on you.
D.  I've seen fatter.
E.  Could you repeat the question?  I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
A.  Yes, but you have a better personality. 
B.  Not prettier, but definitely thinner. 
C.  Not as pretty as you when you were her age. 
D.  Define pretty. 
E.  Could you repeat the question?  I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.  (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
W: Why not, don't you like being married?
M: Of course I do.
W: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
M: Okay, I'd get married again.
W: You would?  (with a hurtful look on her face)
M: Yes, I would.
W: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
M: Where else would we sleep?
W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
M: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
W: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
M: Of course not, Dear.  She's left-handed.

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