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    Impressions

    A man commissioned Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the…
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    Sunday School Trap

    The youth director had been trying for months to get the little boy down the street to…
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    Password Problems

    A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her…
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    City Kids Camping

    Two boys from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce the boys had…
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    Miscellaneous Goobers

    GOOBERS AT WORK - I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk…
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    Golf Comeback

    (This joke is based on an actual event which is a part of golf lore around the world). A…
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    Pilgrim Church

    Thanksgiving day was approaching, and the family received a Thanksgiving card with a…
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    Hurry Home

    It has to be confessed that the minister was rather long-winded. During his sermon a…
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    Screaming patient

    A woman went to doctors the office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after…
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    Medical Alert

    A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what…
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    Mom Wonder

    A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like. She said, "We used…
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    Car Privileges

    David and Bernice had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On…
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    Special Message

    "Skipper," the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, "A special message just came in…
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    Life and Death

    A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying:"Remember, the first five minutes…
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    Trapper's Stove

    An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern…

"Hi!  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.  We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave.  Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls.  Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine.  I am capable of receiving messages.  My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.  They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken.  If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi, this is George.  I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.  Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.  Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

"Hi.  I am probably home.  I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.  Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's YOU."

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