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More Jokes

  • a picture of home

    No Place Like Home

    While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started…
  • house brick

    New Home No Hears

    Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent when you go to…
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    Pig Feed

    There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the…
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    Why Are You Here?

    A man dressed as napoleon went to see a psychiatrist at the urging of his wife. "What's…
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    Record Store

    A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home…
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    Wheat Exports

    Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, Bill was heartened by the first question:…
  • purse red

    Purse Contents

    As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later I called the…
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    Newborn Utterance

    The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it…
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    Caught in the Act

    I was playing tooth fairy when my daughter, Marina, suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in…
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    Window Seats

    At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both…
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    Husband's Estimate

    Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years…
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    Academic Phrases and Meanings

    The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the…
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    Teenaged Daughter Owner's Manual

    Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are…
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    Soup Words

    It was a formal banquet. The minister had just finished saying grace when a waiter…
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    Conductor Comment Comeback

    A conductor was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He constantly gave this guy…

"Hi!  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.  We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave.  Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls.  Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine.  I am capable of receiving messages.  My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.  They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken.  If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi, this is George.  I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.  Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.  Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

"Hi.  I am probably home.  I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.  Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's YOU."

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