logo

sign-up-for-free-cybersalt-today-button

Funny Answering Machines

"Hi!  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.  We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave.  Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls.  Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine.  I am capable of receiving messages.  My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.  They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken.  If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi, this is George.  I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.  Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.  Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

"Hi.  I am probably home.  I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.  Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's YOU."

Powered By JFBConnect

More Jokes

  • Default Image

    10 Most Wanted

    Little Sammy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station.…
  • Default Image

    For Charlotte

    A DJ was introducing a record. "This next one," he said, "is for Charlotte Burke, who is…
  • Default Image

    Words to Ponder

    *Words to Ponder* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. I'd kill…
  • preacher1

    Long Sermon Feedback

    After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying…
  • Default Image

    Thunderstorm Plea

    An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the…
  • investing

    Investments

    STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will…
  • Default Image

    Library Lost and Found

    Arriving back at the dorm late one evening, my roommate explained that she had gotten…
  • picture of an ice cream cone

    Celebrating The Raise

    My sister landed a good job with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous…
  • Default Image

    Funeral Music

    At our local crematorium families are given the chance to chose the music CD they would…
  • Default Image

    High Blood Pressure

    A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic…
  • Default Image

    Remember When

    An old couple is sitting in their living room when the old woman leans over and says to…
  • Default Image

    Looking For The Lift

    As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a…
  • Default Image

    Graceless at Grandma's

    Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.…
  • Default Image

    Laws of Household Physics

    Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as all other laws of…
  • Default Image

    In A Few Moments

    So far today, Lord, I've done all right; I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper,…