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Funny Quotes

man laughNever raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
- Red Buttons

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car
he sticks his head out the window.
- Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
- George Carlin

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
- Carol Leifer

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
- Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Dave Edison

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
- Johnny Carson

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country.
Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
- Jack Mayberry

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how
long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
- Elayne Boosler

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
- John Mendoza

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
- Jeff Stilson

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental
illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
- Rita Mae Brown

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
- Lily Tomlin

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish-burger and I realize, Oh
no....I could be eating a slow learner.
- Lynda Montgomery

More Jokes

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    Dishwashed Verse

    Helping his wife wash the dishes, a minister protested, This isn't a man s job.Oh yes, it…
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    More Signs

    In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait." On an electrician's…
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    Faithful Service Gift

    I recall a story my father used to tell about a pastor who had been at a church for 20…
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    Tongue and Eggs

    A fellow went into a restaurant and asked, 'What's the special of the day?' The waiter…
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    Lost, Found, Changed

    A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest…
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    Upset Wagon

    It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived…
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    Best Guide

    I understand the fix a local hunting guide got himself into. His party became hopelessly…
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    Photo Radar

    A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed…
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    Trouble At The Zoo

    Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at…
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    I can't come in to work today because . . . .

    - "My son dropped the car keys in the toilet and I sent him in after them. Now I'm…
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    Shopping Plan

    In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with…
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    Taxing Cinderella

    The tax adviser had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for…
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    Fly Swatter

    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.…
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    Signs That Old Age Might Be Creeping Up On You

    Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."The parts that have…
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    Chicken on the Go (Pun Warning)

    What do call a chicken on the go? Poultry in motion