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More Jokes

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    Empty Nest Craft

    I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night I was trying out an art…
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    Bicycle Accidents

    In the early 1990's, when I was stationed at Caserma Carlo Ederle in Italy, it was very…
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    Home Donations

    A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the…
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    Funny Quotes

    Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.- Red Buttons Did…
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    Caught in the Act

    I was playing tooth fairy when my daughter, Marina, suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in…
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    Grandma and God

    My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are…
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    The Confused Goober

    The confused goober: 1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. 2.…
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    Happy Birthday Grandpa

    My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I…
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    Miracle Return

    The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the…
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    Murphy's Laws of Law Enforcement

    New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy.You will never get the urge to use the…
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    Goober In Library

    A goober walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I borrowed a book last…
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    Family Picnic

    The service area was located on a main highway leading to the beach. The pump attendant…
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    Signs You Are Broke

    1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!" 2. Your idea of a 7-course…
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    Ten Commandments

    A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and…
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    Ten Things a Mom Doesn't Want to Hear

    1. I swallowed a goldfish. 2. Your lipstick works better than crayons. 3. Does grape…

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
- Red Buttons

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car
he sticks his head out the window.
- Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
- George Carlin

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
- Carol Leifer

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
- Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Dave Edison

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
- Johnny Carson

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country.
Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
- Jack Mayberry

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how
long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
- Elayne Boosler

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
- John Mendoza

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
- Jeff Stilson

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental
illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
- Rita Mae Brown

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
- Lily Tomlin

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh
no....I could be eating a slow learner.
- Lynda Montgomery

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