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    The End Of The World

    When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it? USA Today: WE'RE DEAD The…
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    Temperance River

    A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had…
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    Signs You Are Broke

    1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!" 2. Your idea of a 7-course…
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    Tax Forms

    It was April and Tax Day was looming when an elderly woman showed up at my desk at the…
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    Quarter Rush

    On a busy Friday night at the restaurant where I'd recently started waiting tables, the…
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    Summer Plans

    Summer vacation was almost about to start and the teacher asked little Sammy about a…
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    Love Campaign

    The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite…
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    Color Blind

    Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted…
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    Face Warning

    Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped…
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    Mr. Scwartz

    Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help…
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    Rescue Mom

    My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his…
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    Rest Stop

    I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a…
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    Lost

    Steve took his new wife camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along…
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    Tried and Trusted

    A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to…
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    First Words

    The eight-year old boy had never spoken a word-ever. One afternoon, as he sat eating his…

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
- Red Buttons

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car
he sticks his head out the window.
- Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
- George Carlin

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
- Carol Leifer

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
- Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Dave Edison

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
- Johnny Carson

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country.
Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
- Jack Mayberry

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how
long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
- Elayne Boosler

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
- John Mendoza

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
- Jeff Stilson

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental
illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
- Rita Mae Brown

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
- Lily Tomlin

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh
no....I could be eating a slow learner.
- Lynda Montgomery

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