logo

sign-up-for-free-cybersalt-today-button

More Jokes

  • Default Image

    Something Nice For Dad

    Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his…
  • old lady

    Cast Off

    An elderly lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the…
  • Default Image

    Ever Driven a Honda?

    A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the…
  • Default Image

    Dead Faint

    The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.…
  • Default Image

    Let's Play House

    A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.The girl approached the boy and…
  • Default Image

    The Verge

    A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?"One child…
  • computer keyboard

    Military Computer Manners

    The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. This fantastic…
  • Default Image

    Cow Horns

    "Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city on…
  • Default Image

    Dishwashed Verse

    Helping his wife wash the dishes, a minister protested, This isn't a man s job.Oh yes, it…
  • Default Image

    Oversensitive Reply

    I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of…
  • Default Image

    Toilet Brush

    My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his…
  • Default Image

    Rodentially Clean

    Johnny, age 5, was being taught to be neat and clean and to pick up after himself. One…
  • Default Image

    Flu Prayer

    A young boy called the pastor of a local "corner" church to ask the pastor to come by to…
  • Default Image

    Gender Smarts

    Diamonds are a girl's best friend.Dogs are a man's best friend.Now you know which gender…
  • Default Image

    Fair Trial

    A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says,"Before I begin this trial, I…

toolsHome Mechanics Tools and their usage:

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of radar device to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the pessimism principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought.

METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Powered By JFBConnect