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  • golf tee

    Golf Stroke

    "I play golf in the low 80's," the little old man was telling one of the young boys at…
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    28 Ounce Water Pump

    A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28-ounce water pump."A what?" says…
  • fridge

    Murphy's Laws for Parents

    1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week. 2. Leak proof…
  • university

    School Recommendation

    When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed…
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    Exemplary Offspring

    Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring."There…
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    Goober in Snow Storm

    A goober got lost in her car in a New England snow storm. She remembered what her dad had…
  • high tea

    Two Teas

    1st customer: I'll have tea. 2nd customer: Me, too. And be sure the cup is clean! (The…
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    In the Fitting Room

    My girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched…
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    Stuffed Pockets

    A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his…
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    Good Old Dave

    Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into…
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    GOLF, n.

    [1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad…
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    Parking Space Sign Language

    After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping…
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    Visiting Friends

    Hush-A-Bye Buddy(Modified from Rock-A-Bye Baby)Hush-A-Bye BuddyIn our guest roomIt's been…
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    Missed Call

    My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended graduate school. One…
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    Lost In The Translation

    Two diners at a very swanky eatery were shocked to see on the menu a dish of…

picture of university buildingHow to write a College Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9. Listen to one of your favorite CDs and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

10. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

11. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.

12. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

13. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.

14. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.

15. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

16. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.

17. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

18. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

19. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

20. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

21. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

22. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the thrill of it.

23. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

24. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

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