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law officesThe following questions from lawyers (and answers from witnesses) were taken from official court records nationwide:

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
A: He's 20, much like your IQ.

Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
A: Are you kidding me?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true:

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.  (deleted) was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Are you qualified to ask that question?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
A: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr.  (deleted), you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
A: Take a guess.

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
A: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral...

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan!

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 18th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget..
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
A: He's 20, much like your IQ.

12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?

A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes 
Q: What were you doing at the time?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?

Q. Were you alone or by yourself?

Q. How long have you been a French Canadian?

Q. Do you have children or anything of that kind?

Q. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.

Q. So you were gone until you returned?

Q. You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

And finally:  Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

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