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    New Neighbor

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    Word Impatience

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    Parachute Training

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    Alllleee-oop!

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    Swanky Dining

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    Biblical Endorsements

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    Research Team

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    New Russian

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    Freedom Peppers

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    Blizzard Police

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    Church Bulletin Bloopers

    The following have all genuinely appeared in church bulletins!* Next weekend's Fasting &…

ice cream2Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone. For Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

~*~

Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds.  The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

~*~

Martha's way #3: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

~*~

Martha's way #4: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

~*~

Martha's way #5: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

~*~

Martha's way #6: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

~*~

Martha's way #7: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

~*~

Martha's way #8: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

~*~

Martha's way #9: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

~*~

Martha's way #10: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water.  If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway.  If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

~*~

Martha's way #11: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore. Now you are blind.

~*~

Martha's way #12: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish-washing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

~*~

Martha's way #13: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

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