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More Jokes

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    Perfectly Made

    When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds…
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    Cursing Parrot

    Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad…
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    Johnny Hollers

    Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out, "Okay everyone…
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    Patriotic Father

    On a recent trip to Washington, D.C., my brother-in-law overheard a patriotic father…
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    Hypo Teen

    Our neighbor used the word hypochondriac to describe the phase her teen-age daughter was…
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    Sheriff Vet

    The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang,…
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    Looking For The Lift

    As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a…
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    Zoo Trip

    Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his…
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    Moth Madness

    A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a…
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    Strangest Dream

    "I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist."I saw my…
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    You Know You're in Trouble When

    You know you'rein trouble when ... Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked…
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    Slow-Driving Grandma

    Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police…
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    No ID

    A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal…
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    Meteor Miss

    As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was…
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    Dog Applicant

    A sign was hung in an office window. It read: Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute.…

Differences Between Men & Women

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.  But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brusque, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.  None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.  When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.  A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda.  Then he goes grocery shopping.
He buys everything that looks good.  By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.  Of course, this will not stop him from going to the10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers.  She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks.  When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes.  Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.  A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS: Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.  A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.  When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat.  Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat.  This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING: Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

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