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  • police dog

    Police Dog Freeze

    A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine unit. One evening, the…
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    Sick Call

    Mr. Frobisher constantly called Dr. Wilson at all hours of the day and night and would…
  • keyboard-organ

    Hymns For The Aging

    *Hymns for the Aging* Precious Lord, Take my Hand (And Help Me Get Up) It is Well with My…
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    Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline

    You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change. Before you take off, the…
  • Picture of a chef with thumb down

    You are a lousy cook if.…

    You are a lousy cook if.... Your family automatically heads for the table every time they…
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    Computer Customer Quotes

    "Computer Customer Quotes" or "Why goobers shouldn't own computers!" Customer: "I have…
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    Military Haircut

    Tiring of the same old buzz haircut from the base barber at Fort Dix, New Jersey, I went…
  • car old

    Battery Life

    An angry motorist went back to a garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for…
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    Dressing Down

    When I was 28, I was teaching English in a high school where occasionally the faculty and…
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    "Dilbert Quote" Contest

    A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to…
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    Shopkeeper's Competition

    The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next…
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    School Excuse

    At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade teachers were Miss Paine and…
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    Gated Community

    Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved to a gated community. Both…
  • face surprised

    Family Feud Answers

    *Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show Family…
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    Collectable Receipts

    An woman went to traffic violation court for speeding, lost the argument as it always…

ON DEEP THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like night.

ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane".  If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?

ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

ON PROBLEM SOLVING When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.-Abraham Maslow ON INFINITY If you had everything, where would you keep it?

ON ECONOMICS The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING "I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."

English Professor, Ohio University ON REVISIONIST HISTORY What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

ON DATING When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.

ON LAMENTATION Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

ON POETIC LOVE When you're swimmin' in the creek And an eel bites your cheek That's a moray!

Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers ON MODERNISM Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  A: Two.  One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.

ON MATERIAL SCIENCE Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.

ON LITERATURE This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.  It should be thrown with great force.

Dorothy Parker ON HUMILITY To err is human, to moo bovine.

ON EXPLANATION OF THE END "...  one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." --

Robert Firth ON EXCUSES I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.

Joe Walsh ON NUMBERS Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2.

ON WORLD POLITICS Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

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