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    You've Had Too Much Coffee When

    You've had too much coffee when: 1. You ski uphill. 2. You get a speeding ticket even…
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    Student Driver

    As an instructor in driver education at Unionville-Sebewaing Area High School in…
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    Waterology

    I'm sure you've heard the old story referring to optimism and pessimism that is…
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    Dead Politicians

    A bus of politicians is driving by a farm where a man lives alone. The bus driver, caught…
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    Bad News From The Doctor

    A man hadn't been feeling well at all, so he went to his doctor for a complete check-up.…
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    For Charlotte

    A DJ was introducing a record. "This next one," he said, "is for Charlotte Burke, who is…
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    After Me

    "I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "Three companies are after me." "Is…
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    "R" Troubles

    A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,'' and all the other…
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    Card Name

    Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va.,…
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    Graduation Speech Notes

    When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from…
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    Interview Question

    "Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you…
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    Cough Remedy

    The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The…
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    Feeding the Baby

    My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for advice.…
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    Mint Mom

    When the U.S. Mint reissued two-dollar bills, I thought they might someday become…
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    Soft Seven

    A young man is paired up with a priest on the first hole at the golf course. When they…

ON DEEP THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like night.

ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane".  If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?

ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

ON PROBLEM SOLVING When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.-Abraham Maslow ON INFINITY If you had everything, where would you keep it?

ON ECONOMICS The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING "I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."

English Professor, Ohio University ON REVISIONIST HISTORY What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

ON DATING When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.

ON LAMENTATION Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

ON POETIC LOVE When you're swimmin' in the creek And an eel bites your cheek That's a moray!

Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers ON MODERNISM Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  A: Two.  One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.

ON MATERIAL SCIENCE Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.

ON LITERATURE This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.  It should be thrown with great force.

Dorothy Parker ON HUMILITY To err is human, to moo bovine.

ON EXPLANATION OF THE END "...  one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." --

Robert Firth ON EXCUSES I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.

Joe Walsh ON NUMBERS Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2.

ON WORLD POLITICS Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

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