logo

sign-up-for-free-cybersalt-today-button

More Jokes

  • Default Image

    Tip Revenge

    A man finds his seat in the theater, but it's too far from the stage. He whispers to the…
  • Default Image

    Goober Travelers

    The following are actual stories provided by travel agents: * I had someone ask for an…
  • Default Image

    Kids on Marriage

    Kids on marriage.... How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?******- "You flip a nickel,…
  • Default Image

    Running Away

    A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He…
  • her son is a lawyer

    Lawnyer

    When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the…
  • picture of a cell phone

    Translation Please

    A French guest, staying in a American hotel called room service for some pepper. "Black…
  • Default Image

    Goober Puzzle

    One morning this goober calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have…
  • Default Image

    Dollar Measure

    Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and I decided to…
  • Default Image

    Rhymes and Tubes

    Our family was leaving on a two week vacation and so my preparations took me into the…
  • logs

    Lumberjack

    A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think…
  • Default Image

    Actual Medical Records

    The following are actual medical records taken from patients' charts around North…
  • Default Image

    Needle Manners

    While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving…
  • Default Image

    10 Most Wanted

    Little Sammy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station.…
  • Default Image

    Putting the Cat Out

    A couple is going out for an evening on the town.When they are almost ready to go, the…
  • Default Image

    Four Little Words

    Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch.…

Dear Kids,

Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end.  I am simply taking a bath.  It will take about thirty minutes and will involve soap and water.  Yes, I know how to swim.  Even if I didn't, forcing myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I've got energy for.  (Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects, but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)

Don't panic if I'm not out right on time.  I've heard that people don't dissolve in water and I'd like to test the theory.  While I'm in the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things.  The large slab of wood between us is called a door.  Do not bang to hear my voice.  I promise that even though you can't see me, I *am* on the other side.  I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border, no matter what I said a while ago.  I didn't mean it.  Honest.  There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your day.

"Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer.  I know you have important things to tell me.  Please let one of them be that you have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.

Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom door will *not* make the phone stop ringing.  Answer it and take a message.  Since Amazing Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need to write that message down.  Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your brother and the laundry marker.  We can't send him to school with telephone number tattoos.

Water makes me wet, not deaf.  I can still tell the difference between the sound of "nothing" and the sound of a child playing the piano with a basketball.  I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs.  I'm *choosing* NOT to answer you.
Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the bathroom.  He didn't appreciate it last time.  He won't appreciate it more this time.  Trust me.

No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful.  I remember who you are and why you are grounded.  No, you can't go to Shelby's house to play.  No, you can't go to Shelby's house to use the bathroom.  If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait.  Unless you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going outside to "water" the lawn.  I know the dog does it.  The neighbors don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it.

Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors locked.  Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention.  I know it works in the movies.  This is reality, the place where people don't like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken glass rain in on them.  Do not set the house on fire.

Call me if there is an emergency.

Emergencies ARE:
1.  Dad has fallen off the roof.
2.  Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.
3.  There's a red fire truck in front of our house.

Emergencies are NOT:
1.  Dad has fallen asleep.
2.  Someone on TV is bleeding.
3.  There's a red pickup truck in front of our house.

One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy.  It makes me sticky with little white polka dots.  In the future, when the tub overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house.  For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, Okay?  No, I don't want to hear the real story.  Ever.  Especially not while I'm standing in the pool of water you missed.

By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled.

Be good.  Entertain yourselves.  Yes, you can do both at the same time.  Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table.  I'll be out soon.  Maybe.

Love, Your Mom

Powered By JFBConnect