logo

sign-up-for-free-cybersalt-today-button

More Jokes

  • Default Image

    Smile For the DMV

    When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was…
  • Default Image

    Wake Up!

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the…
  • Default Image

    Things It Takes Most Of Us 50 Years To Learn

    1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.2.…
  • Default Image

    Station Help

    An elderly man was standing in front of the ticket office in Grand Central Station. A…
  • Default Image

    Naturally Born

    An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being…
  • Default Image

    Military Time

    My wife Delores never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she…
  • Default Image
  • Default Image

    Biggest Lie

    Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you…
  • Default Image

    John Will Be Fine

    The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his…
  • Default Image

    Cute Baby

    When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor…
  • Default Image

    Suffering Vanity

    Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her…
  • globe

    The End Of The World

    When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it? USA Today: WE'RE DEAD The…
  • Default Image

    Hashing It Out

    I was working as a short-order cook at two restaurants in the same neighborhood. On a…
  • Default Image

    Speeding Excuses

    Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers…
  • Default Image

    Optomist's Hunting Dog

    Friends, one an optimist and the other a pessimist could never quite agree on any topic…

Dear Kids,

Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end.  I am simply taking a bath.  It will take about thirty minutes and will involve soap and water.  Yes, I know how to swim.  Even if I didn't, forcing myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I've got energy for.  (Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects, but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)

Don't panic if I'm not out right on time.  I've heard that people don't dissolve in water and I'd like to test the theory.  While I'm in the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things.  The large slab of wood between us is called a door.  Do not bang to hear my voice.  I promise that even though you can't see me, I *am* on the other side.  I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border, no matter what I said a while ago.  I didn't mean it.  Honest.  There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your day.

"Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer.  I know you have important things to tell me.  Please let one of them be that you have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.

Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom door will *not* make the phone stop ringing.  Answer it and take a message.  Since Amazing Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need to write that message down.  Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your brother and the laundry marker.  We can't send him to school with telephone number tattoos.

Water makes me wet, not deaf.  I can still tell the difference between the sound of "nothing" and the sound of a child playing the piano with a basketball.  I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs.  I'm *choosing* NOT to answer you.
Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the bathroom.  He didn't appreciate it last time.  He won't appreciate it more this time.  Trust me.

No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful.  I remember who you are and why you are grounded.  No, you can't go to Shelby's house to play.  No, you can't go to Shelby's house to use the bathroom.  If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait.  Unless you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going outside to "water" the lawn.  I know the dog does it.  The neighbors don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it.

Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors locked.  Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention.  I know it works in the movies.  This is reality, the place where people don't like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken glass rain in on them.  Do not set the house on fire.

Call me if there is an emergency.

Emergencies ARE:
1.  Dad has fallen off the roof.
2.  Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.
3.  There's a red fire truck in front of our house.

Emergencies are NOT:
1.  Dad has fallen asleep.
2.  Someone on TV is bleeding.
3.  There's a red pickup truck in front of our house.

One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy.  It makes me sticky with little white polka dots.  In the future, when the tub overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house.  For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, Okay?  No, I don't want to hear the real story.  Ever.  Especially not while I'm standing in the pool of water you missed.

By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled.

Be good.  Entertain yourselves.  Yes, you can do both at the same time.  Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table.  I'll be out soon.  Maybe.

Love, Your Mom

Powered By JFBConnect