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    In A Few Moments

    So far today, Lord, I've done all right; I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper,…
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    Late Excuse

    Harry came into the office an hour late for the third time in a week. "What's the story…
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    Swahili Gasp

    A company was producing an English-language movie. In one scene, an exhausted messenger…
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    Watergate Bug

    A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel. The new bride is concerned and asked, "What…
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    Goober Vacuum

    It's been a while since we saw a goober joke on the CleanLaugh list. For those who don't…
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    Card Name

    A customer called the airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit…
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    Priceless Grandparent Stories - Part 3

    11. Subject: Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a…
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    Goat for Dinner

    The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the…
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    Senior Driver

    As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.Answering, he heard…
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    Country Refreshment

    A man was on a long walk in the country. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little…
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    Too Late To Date

    After the death of a never married 94-year old spinster of his parish, the rector was…
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    Hearing Problems

    An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the…
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    Kids' Kitchen Terms

    Kids' Kitchen TermsBOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck"…
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    Employment Search

    My employment search preoccupied our family for months. One day my husband told our three…
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    Australian Football

    I'd heard that Australian football is a lot rougher than the American version, but never…

1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
6. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. You! Off my planet!
9. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
10. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
11. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
12. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
13. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
14. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
15. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
16. And your cry-baby whiny opinion would be...?
17. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
18. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
19. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
20. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
21. Allow me to introduce my selves.
22. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
23. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
24. Better living through denial.
25. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
26. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
27. Adult child of alien invaders.
28. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
29. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
30. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
31. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
32. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
33. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
34. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
35. Adults are just kids who owe money.
36. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
37. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
38. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
39. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
40. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
41. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
42. Is it time for your medication or mine?
43. I plead contemporary insanity.
44. And which dwarf are you?
45. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
46. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
47. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
48. Meandering to a different drummer.
49. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

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