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    Tim Robbed

    One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the…
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    How Do You Spell That

    Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send…
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    Water Dorm

    When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing…
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    Kid Wisdom

    When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't answer.Never tell your Mom…
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    Life After Death

    "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir."…
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    Commando Moses

    Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well,…
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    Tax Reform

    At an open conference in Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which…
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    Older Parents

    We had our ten-year-old daughter late in life, long after our two boys were born. She is…
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    Totally Out of Shape

    I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to…
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    Change Reply

    Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change for a dollar. He saw…
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    Think!

    In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the…
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    Scout's Letter Home

    Dear Mom, Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on…
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    Lunch and Learn

    The company I work for sometimes holds "Lunch and Learn" seminars for employees during…
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    --- WARNING, DANGER! ---

    --- WARNING, DANGER! --- I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering…
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    New Librarian

    The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the…

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.  Now rub your hands in the Wet flower bed and rub on the walls.  Cover the stains with crayons.  Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos.  (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house.  Put on a blindfold.  Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.  Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store.  Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.  Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug.  Fill halfway with water.  Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord.  Start the jug swinging.  Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane.  Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand.  Soak it thoroughly in water.  At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM.  Lay down your Bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM.  Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard.  Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM.  Set alarm for 5:00 AM.  Get up and make breakfast.  Keep this up for 5 years.  Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months.  Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN)
Go to the nearest drug store.  Set your wallet on the counter.  Ask the clerk to help himself.  Now proceed to the nearest food store.  Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store.  Purchase a newspaper.  Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child.  Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners.  Suggest many ways they can improve.  Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot.  Enjoy this experience.  It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

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