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    Wedding Report

    "How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife."Just fine until I asked the bride if…
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    Romantic Switch

    Although he had packed his bag for a business trip the night before, my husband planned…
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    Today's Little Axioms

    1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.2. He who laughs last, thinks…
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    New Year's Football vs. Dinner

    As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was…
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    Norma Findlay in Room 302

    A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Michael's Hospital. She timidly asked, Is it possible…
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    No Place Like Home

    While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started…
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    Top 10 Dog Pet Peeves About Humans

    1. Blaming your gas on me.... Not Funny 2. Yelling at me for barking. I am a dog you…
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    Political Faith

    Politicians have a constant need to be diplomatic. Witness this candidate for the Senate…
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    Art That Sells

    An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings…
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    Dining In

    My husband and I both work, so our family eats out a lot.Recently, when we were having a…
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    Carrier Landings

    Any naval aviator will tell you that landing a plane on an aircraft carrier is THE most…
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    Women Drivers

    (Don't judge a joke by its title.) Driving to town this morning on the Interstate, I…
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    Doctor Visit

    A guy walks into a Doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle out…
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    Take Out For Lunch

    Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to…
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    Thank-you Notes

    One Christmas, a parent decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of…
"I resent your insinuendoes."

"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."

"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."

"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."

"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."

"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility."

"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."

"If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."

"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."

"Let's do this in one foul swoop."

"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."

"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."

"I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks."

"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."

"I hate to confuse myself with the facts."

"We have a permanent plan for the time being."

"Family planning has many misconceptions."

"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."

"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."

"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."

"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."

"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."

"In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."
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