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    Open Mouth, Insert Foot

    At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with…
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    Pessimistic Friend

    An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found…
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    The Perfect Church Design

    A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three month…
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    Narrow Escape Responses

    There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The…
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    Spelling Information

    "Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that,…
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    Beware of Dog

    Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE…
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    Kids and Cliches

    I teach fourth grade in Ventura County, California. As a fun assignment, I gave the…
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    Surgery Beauty

    Irving was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his…
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    Canine Complex

    A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to…
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    Who Gets the Dog?

    A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys,…
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    Math Symbols

    While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than ( > ) and…
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    Mouse Repellant

    A couple moved to the country when they retired. One mild winter, they had a bit of a…
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    Another Try - Things You Never Want to Hear the Exterminator Say

    Things You Never Want to Hear the Exterminator Say...20. You know, when you build your…
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    Jonah Test

    A little girl was observed by her pastor standing outside the pre-school Sunday School…
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    Most Famous Man

    A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one…

If your life takes a turn for the worse, remember that you are the one who is driving!

My dog was my only friend. I told my wife that every man needs at least two friends, so she bought me another dog.
--Henny Youngman

Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss things;
Little minds discuss people.

When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?
--Steven Wright

A gentleman never insults someone unintentionally.
--Oscar Wilde

Noah was an amateur; the Titanic was built by professionals.
--Malcolm Allison

I live by my principles, and one of my principles is flexibility.
--Br. Everett Dirksen

Only dead fish "go with the flow."

It is not enough to have every intelligent person in the country voting for me. I need a majority.
--Adlai Stevenson

No woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes.
--George Coote

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
--Douglas Adams

A politician will always be there when he needs you.
--Ian Walsh

There is the greatest practical benefit in making a few failures early in life.
--Thomas Huxley

Future: That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
--Ambrose Bierce

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