logo

sign-up-for-free-cybersalt-today-button

Quotable Quotes

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley Temple

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. --Doug Lars

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. --Bob Hope

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! --Tom Lehrer

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do? --Ronnie Shakes

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. --Ernie Kovacs

Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours. --H.L. Mencken

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. --G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine milimeter bullet. --Dave Barry

This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. --Joey Bishop

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. --Franklin P. Jones

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you. --Tommy Smothers

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. --Norm Crosby

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. --Aaron Machado

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. --Henny Youngman

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. --Jay Leno

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. --Darrin Weinberg

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. --Fran Lebowitz

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. --H.L. Mencken

It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so. --Artimus Ward, 1834-1867

Powered By JFBConnect

More Jokes

  • Default Image

    New Medical Technology

    A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several…
  • Default Image

    Cool In The Desert

    Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an…
  • Default Image

    Kid Wisdom

    When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't answer.Never tell your Mom…
  • Default Image

    Good Old Days

    Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in…
  • Default Image

    Goober Y2K Date Change Project Status:

    Y-to-K Date Change Project Status: Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time…
  • Default Image

    Finch Flush

    When my youngest son was three years old, one of his finches died. It was winter so we…
  • Default Image

    Drum Sounds

    A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty…
  • If General Motors had a car help line

    Car Help Line

    General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because…
  • Default Image

    Potato Problem

    Upon going away to college, my former brother-in-law received a hand mixer from his…
  • Default Image

    The Bethelehem Innkeeper's Top 10 Excuses

    Here are the top ten excuses the Bethlehem Innkeeper gave for not giving Joseph and Mary…
  • Default Image

    The Batchelor

    I realized that my six-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the…
  • Default Image

    Holiday Merger

    MAJOR HOLIDAY MERGER ANNOUNCED Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and…
  • Default Image

    All Roads Lead Back to Rome

    The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.…
  • Default Image

    Scared vs. Apprehension

    As a sergeant in a parachute regiment, I took part in several night-time exercises. Once,…
  • Default Image

    Grizzly Bears

    Wildlife officials in Alaska are alarmed at the increase in grizzly bear attacks on…