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More Jokes

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    House Calls

    A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked…
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    Drag Racing Moped

    A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Turbo Z123DX. It is the…
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    Hard to Pronounce

    As a Dominican sister, I lived in a convent named for a deceased pope. One day while I…
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    Flashlight Defense

    A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an…
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    You Know You're Really A Mom When . . .

    You Know You're Really A Mom When . . . 1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake…
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    Chet's Graduation

    It's graduation day, and everybody's going to get their diploma but Chet. At the…
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    Game Time

    A father took his five-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled…
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    Inspector Mom

    Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq?…
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    New Passport Photo

    Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I handed my ten-year-old…
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    No Frills Airlines

    ...they don't sell tickets, they sell chances. ...all the insurance machines in the…
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    Instructions for Microsoft's New TV Dinner

    You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honour…
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    Clean Cup

    Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they…
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    More Church Bulletin Bloopers

    Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial…
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    Moving Smith

    Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office."Boss," he says, "we're doing some…
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    Talking Dog

    A guy is driving around Wadsworth, Ohio and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking…

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley Temple

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. --Doug Lars

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. --Bob Hope

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! --Tom Lehrer

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do? --Ronnie Shakes

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. --Ernie Kovacs

Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours. --H.L. Mencken

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. --G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine milimeter bullet. --Dave Barry

This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. --Joey Bishop

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. --Franklin P. Jones

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you. --Tommy Smothers

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. --Norm Crosby

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. --Aaron Machado

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. --Henny Youngman

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. --Jay Leno

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. --Darrin Weinberg

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. --Fran Lebowitz

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. --H.L. Mencken

It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so. --Artimus Ward, 1834-1867

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