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    Lost Ticket

    Albert Einstein was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on…
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    Sarahrella

    After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a…
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    A Hi-Tech Litmus Test

    This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:Hold this paper close to…
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    Chicken on the Go (Pun Warning)

    What do call a chicken on the go? Poultry in motion
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    Dog Tricks

    *Mind Games You Can Play with Your Humans* 1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T…
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    Didn't See That Coming

    The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her…
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    Cultural Ages

    A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his class and said, "The Jewish people have observed…
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    Pastor To The Rescue

    There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one…
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    Goobers In Ditch

    Two Goobers were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we…
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    Granny's Visit

    Little Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug.…
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    Surprise Gift

    The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of…
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    More Cute Kids

    On vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van past a church in a small…
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    Signal Shot

    The new ensign was standing his first night watch on the bridge of a destroyer. Far out…
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    Tell Tale Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work

    Tell Tale Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work...- You've read the entire Dilbert…
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    Dr. Dress

    During my surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep to the emergency room.…

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley Temple

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. --Doug Lars

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. --Bob Hope

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! --Tom Lehrer

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do? --Ronnie Shakes

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. --Ernie Kovacs

Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours. --H.L. Mencken

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. --G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine milimeter bullet. --Dave Barry

This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. --Joey Bishop

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. --Franklin P. Jones

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you. --Tommy Smothers

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. --Norm Crosby

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. --Aaron Machado

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. --Henny Youngman

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. --Jay Leno

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. --Darrin Weinberg

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. --Fran Lebowitz

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. --H.L. Mencken

It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so. --Artimus Ward, 1834-1867

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