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    Rules For Choosing A Superhero Name

    *Rules For Choosing A Superhero Name*1. Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g., Ms.…
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    Diaper Change

    "Here's your problem," says the doctor to the first-time father. "This baby's in serious…
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    Casket Comment

    A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the…
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    Goober 911

    Q: Why can't goobers dial 911?A: They can't find the "11" on the phone!
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    Pit Falls

    This particular man was taking a shortcut through the graveyard one dark night. That was…
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    Priceless Grandparent Stories - Part 2

    6. A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss…
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    Where'd we get him?

    Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we…
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    Microsoft TV Dinner

    Instructions for Microsoft's TV Dinner:You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing…
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    Drug Store Questions

    Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married.…
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    Glacier Work

    A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look at all…
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    Car Fire

    I had just pulled into a parking spot at the home improvement store when smoke and flames…
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    Punishment Withheld

    Teacher: " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also…
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    Your Cat's New Year's Resolutions

    My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that. I will not…
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    Collectable Receipts

    An woman went to traffic violation court for speeding, lost the argument as it always…
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    Bachelor's Cat

    A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life itself. He was…

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley Temple

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. --Doug Lars

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. --Bob Hope

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! --Tom Lehrer

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do? --Ronnie Shakes

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. --Ernie Kovacs

Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours. --H.L. Mencken

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. --G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine milimeter bullet. --Dave Barry

This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. --Joey Bishop

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. --Franklin P. Jones

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you. --Tommy Smothers

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. --Norm Crosby

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. --Aaron Machado

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. --Henny Youngman

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. --Jay Leno

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. --Darrin Weinberg

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. --Fran Lebowitz

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. --H.L. Mencken

It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so. --Artimus Ward, 1834-1867

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