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    Laws of Computing

    *Laws of Computing* * When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to…
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    Smile For the DMV

    When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was…
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    Car Names Explained

    "Car Names Explained"(My car is in here so don't be offended if yours is too!)AUDI -…
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    Car Trip

    Friends took their first-grader on a car trip to Canada. To help pass the time, the boy…
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    Enemies in the West

    A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting."How are we…
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    Rabbi Returns

    I returned to my parents' home to attend a funeral. At the temple, my mother led me to a…
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    Cherokee 180

    One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active…
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    Out of this World Restaurant (groaner)

    Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.
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    Sidewalk Preacher

    A sidewalk preacher stood on a soapbox downtown and started a rousing sermon on…
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    Summer Plans

    Summer vacation was almost about to start and the teacher asked little Sammy about a…
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    Doctor's Advice

    A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw…
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    Mrs. Pierpoint

    A woman is worried about an older woman, a widow, who lives in the apartment next door.…
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    Fan Help

    Although I have three sons, it was always my daughter who helped me with chores around…
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    High School Record

    Back at my high school for the tenth reunion, I met my old coach, Mr. Carlier. Walking…
  • picture of a grandfather

    Grandpa's Manners

    "Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady. "What's to be proud of?"…

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley Temple

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. --Doug Lars

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. --Bob Hope

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! --Tom Lehrer

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do? --Ronnie Shakes

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. --Ernie Kovacs

Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours. --H.L. Mencken

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. --G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine milimeter bullet. --Dave Barry

This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. --Joey Bishop

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. --Franklin P. Jones

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you. --Tommy Smothers

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. --Norm Crosby

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. --Aaron Machado

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. --Henny Youngman

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. --Jay Leno

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. --Darrin Weinberg

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. --Fran Lebowitz

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. --H.L. Mencken

It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so. --Artimus Ward, 1834-1867

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