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    Remembering Names

    When I was introduced to a couple visiting our congregation, I decided to remember their…
  • gas pump

    Cheap Gas

    When the car engine developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had…
  • students1

    Smart As A Brick

    While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands…
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    Are You My Waiter?

    Max Greenberg was at his favorite eatery, the Second Avenue Deli, when he called over the…
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    Getting To Heaven

    The pastor was talking to a group of young children about believing in Jesus and going to…
  • book mystery

    10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should

    1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on…
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    Coast Guard Keeping

    My daughter Michelle is the commander of a Coast Guard Cutter. When she gave my husband…
  • How to be handy around the house - in 10 easy steps.

    Ten Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House

    1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an…
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    Toilet Brush

    My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his…
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    Boss and E-Mail

    I used to work for a multimillion dollar consulting firm doing desktop support. The…
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    Found Wallet

    While shopping in a supermarket in Washington, D.C., I heard over the PA system:"A wallet…
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    Car Pool Note

    A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting.He tried…
  • cat on roof

    Your Cat's New Year's Resolutions

    My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that. I will not…
  • picture of a speedometer

    Back Seat Johnny

    A woman was driving her old beat up car on the highway with her 7 yr. old son, Little…
  • golf tee

    Ladies' Tee

    It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning his pre-shot routine,…

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley Temple

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. --Doug Lars

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. --Bob Hope

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! --Tom Lehrer

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do? --Ronnie Shakes

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. --Ernie Kovacs

Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours. --H.L. Mencken

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. --G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine milimeter bullet. --Dave Barry

This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. --Joey Bishop

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. --Franklin P. Jones

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you. --Tommy Smothers

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. --Norm Crosby

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. --Aaron Machado

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. --Henny Youngman

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. --Jay Leno

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. --Darrin Weinberg

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. --Fran Lebowitz

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. --H.L. Mencken

It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so. --Artimus Ward, 1834-1867

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