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  • horses

    English Verses Western

    My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses…
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    Wallpaper Jobs

    Joan decided to redecorate. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need…
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    Bike Training

    Never having learned to ride a bicycle as a child, I finally decided to do it in my late…
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    Go Get Grandma

    When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging…
  • plane passenger window

    On Time

    The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied passenger…
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    Fish Fight Story

    Doug was describing a 30-pound bass he'd caught recently, after fighting it for three…
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    Ignored Phone

    The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it…
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    Young Businessman

    A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office…
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    Suffering Vanity

    Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her…
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    The War of the Navels

    The War of the Navels People have navels of different kinds,Ineys and outeys, to that…
  • car old

    You Need A New Car When

    You need a new car when ... - You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops…
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    A Job Worse Than Yours

    The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring…
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    Queen Size

    A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking…
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    Government Solution

    Thought you might and others might enjoy what happened to me (Tina and Tim Saltsman) the…
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    Salt Lake vs. Denver

    I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the…

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley Temple

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. --Doug Lars

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. --Bob Hope

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! --Tom Lehrer

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do? --Ronnie Shakes

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. --Ernie Kovacs

Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours. --H.L. Mencken

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. --G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine milimeter bullet. --Dave Barry

This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. --Joey Bishop

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. --Franklin P. Jones

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you. --Tommy Smothers

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. --Norm Crosby

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. --Aaron Machado

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. --Henny Youngman

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. --Jay Leno

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. --Darrin Weinberg

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. --Fran Lebowitz

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. --H.L. Mencken

It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so. --Artimus Ward, 1834-1867

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