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    Dial A Prayer Twist

    They have a Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. You can call up and it rings and rings but…
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    Tech Support

    Five things you don't want to hear from Tech Support: 1. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!" 2. "In…
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    The Tie

    A man goes into a restaurant and the waitress stops him."Sorry sir, you need to wear a…
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    Pilot Humor

    Here are some actual maintenance complaints generally known as squawks or problems…
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    Pessimistic Friend

    An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found…
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    Baseball Doctor

    As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment…
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    Goobers With Shovels

    There were two guys working for the city. One would did a hole, he would dig, dig, dig,…
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    Intercom Repair

    My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school. One night…
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    Formal Letter

    At the end of last semester, a fellow student complained about how he failed the English…
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    Mom's Special Brownies

    "Mom's Special Brownies"Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.Melt 1 cup…
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    The Littlest Informant

    As a recently divorced police officer, and new to the dating scene, I was thrilled but…
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    The Lord's Prayer - Sort of

    A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at…
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    Application

    An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you…
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    Popping Ears

    Aboard a flight from L.A. to New York, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight.…
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    Auction Parrot

    One day a man went to an auction.While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this…

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.

Dispatcher: Excuse me?

Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?

Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: Hi, is this the Police?

Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?

Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?

Caller: Fire, I guess.

Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?

Caller: I was wondering.....does the fire department put snow chains on their trucks?

Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?

Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the fire department could come over and help me?

Dispatcher: Help you what?

Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police.

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