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More Jokes

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    Cereal Adjustment

    Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared that oatmeal would now…
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    Gators!

    While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim,…
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    Waking Up Mad

    One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the…
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    Cool In The Desert

    Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an…
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    Dark Parachute Jumps

    Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps difficult and dangerous. So we…
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    Friendly Golf

    Two friends were beginning a game of golf.The first man stepped up to the tee, hit the…
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    Clean Cup

    Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they…
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    Cheap Gas

    When the car engine developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had…
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    Farming Dream

    The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was inter-viewing a prospective student,…
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    Ah, Mozart

    A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The…
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    One-Liners

    If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Nothing in the known universe…
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    Doctor Quotes

    The following quotes were allegedly taken from actual medical records as dictated by…
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    Bob Hope Quotes

    Some memorable quotes from Bob Hope:ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only…
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    Senate Comeback

    A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in…
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    Circle Stand

    Ron just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when he cut off a truck driver. The…

Thoughts on Growing Old

~ Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.  But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

~ There are three signs of old age.  The first is your loss of memory.  I forget the other two.

~ You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

~ Middle age is when work is a lot less fun--and fun is a lot more work.

~ Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man.  Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

~ You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

~ Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

~ By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

~ Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

~ A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

~ You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

~ Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you.

~ The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

~ You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

~ You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

~ The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

~ Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

~ It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

~ You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

~ Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

~ When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

~ You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

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