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    Excerpts From "A Cat's Guide To Human Beings"

    1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?So you've decided to get yourself a human being.…
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    Control and Escape

    The computer company my wife works for distributed a corporate clothing catalogue that…
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    Do As I Say!

    An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a…
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    Don't Have Any

    A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do…
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    Ice Cream Flavors

    The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you…
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    Car Moving

    It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the…
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    Kids and Cliches

    I teach fourth grade in Ventura County, California. As a fun assignment, I gave the…
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    Someone At The Door

    A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to…
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    The Place for Grace

    When little Johnny received his plate he started eating right away."Johnny wait until we…
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    Listening In

    A long time ago, before the days of cell phones, I needed to call home, and the only pay…
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    Largest Amphibious Assault

    I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What…
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    Things You Will Never Hear

    Things you'll never hear a man say: 1) Here honey, you use the remote. 2) Ooh, Antonio…
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    Yiddish Speak

    During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli…
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    Martha Raye, Stewardess

    I once went for a job at an airline. The interviewer asked me why I wanted to be a…
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    Golf Cheater

    Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a fellow club member, "I'm…

Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it anymore.

Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.

The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.

Being bad is no longer cool.

You have friends who have kids.

Saturday mornings are for sleeping.

You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.

Your parents' jokes are now funny.

You have once said, 'Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?'

You have owned, and since disowned Michael Jackson's Thriller.

You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, cuz mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.

Naps are good.

You have once deemed Space Invaders as 'The best game ever'.

When things go wrong, you can't just yell, 'Do-over!'

You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.

Your idea of fun parties now include Chips 'n' Salsa and Snapple.

You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.

You WANT clothes for Christmas.

You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.

You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.

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