1. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
2. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
3. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
4. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
5. The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
6. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
7. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
8. I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
9. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
10. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
11. I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use Language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
12. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
13. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
14. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go.
I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
15. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket"?
she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
16. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
17. Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, "Oh no ..I could be eating a slow learner."