logo

sign-up-for-free-cybersalt-today-button

More Jokes

  • Default Image

    Charity Answer

    Father O'Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He…
  • Default Image

    Back In Office

    When I became a licensed chiropractor, I moved back to my hometown and soon had a…
  • Default Image

    First Job Hunting

    Recently, our 18-year-old daughter started hunting for her first real job. She spent an…
  • fire station

    Fire Test

    Joey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall. Before each…
  • couple elderly

    Division of Labor

    The Rosenthals had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage, and Mr. Rosenthal was…
  • Default Image

    Waist Deep

    While driving through Buffalo after a heavy snow storm, a motorist noted a cop,…
  • Default Image

    Perfect Pet

    A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do…
  • Default Image

    Biblical Endorsements

    What if Biblical characters could be recruited as product endorsers? For Match.com -…
  • Hudson river_plane

    NTSB Report on Flight 1549

    Preliminary Accident Report FT 1549. Captain held responsible for unauthorized actions…
  • Default Image

    Goober Pilots

    Two Goobers (pilots) are trying to land an airplane. They start descending and as they…
  • Default Image

    Mess Sign

    A sign posted on the wall of an Army mess read, "Don't Waste Food -- Food will win the…
  • head phones

    Songs For People Over 40

    *Top 10 Songs for People Over 40* 10. Let's Get a Physical 9. Ain't No Burrito Mild…
  • Default Image

    Scientist's Convention

    In the far distant future in the year 4527, a number of scientists from all over the…
  • cat on roof

    Your Cat's New Year's Resolutions

    My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that. I will not…
  • picture of a grandfather

    Grandpa's Manners

    "Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady. "What's to be proud of?"…

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Teenager Owner's Manual Congratulations!  You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter.  Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully.  Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.
Nice try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized.  This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviours that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.  Once you have adapted to these behaviours, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messanger.  No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter.  There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour.  They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because they don't like using the same kind of soap their mom and dad use.  When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house.  If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat.  They expect others to pick up after them.  These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting.  She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents.  Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and like he is so hot.  Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter.  If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you.
Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer.  You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for goodness sake.  If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious.  Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will.  If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect?  In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her.

Powered By JFBConnect