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More Jokes

  • woman sleepy

    Sorry I'm Late

    Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy…
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    Top Ten Signs Your Co-worker is a Computer Hacker

    10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.9. He's won the…
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    Preacher and Cowboy

    One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were…
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    How To Please Your I.T. Department

    How To Please Your I.T. Department [A quick check list for those who need to make…
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    Oarsmen News

    One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal Nile barge goes down to speak to the oarsmen…
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    Bath Note

    Dear Kids,Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply taking a bath.…
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    Patriotic Father

    On a recent trip to Washington, D.C., my brother-in-law overheard a patriotic father…
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    Science Quotes from Kids - Part 1

    ~ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one…
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    Elderly Couple Sharing

    A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that…
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    Dollar Measure

    Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and I decided to…
  • boy soccerball

    Welcome to the Neighborhood

    A family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was anxious to make a good…
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    Simple Operation

    A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's…
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    Signs That You May Be Canadian

    1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines. 2. You understand the phrase, "Could…
  • combination lock

    Combination Faith

    The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the…
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    10 Easy Ways To Say No

    I'd love to, but...1 I have to floss my cat.2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.3 I want…
"Liz Taylor is recovering in hospital after having had a benign tuna removed from just behind her right ear."

Capital Radio Peter Snow: "In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?"
Expert: "Yes."

Channel 4 News "As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different to any other."
John Sleighthome,

BBC1 Shoemaker: "Sometimes we use French leather."
John Eley: "Where do you get that from?"
Shoemaker: "France!"

BBC Radio Suffolk "You weigh up the pros and cons and try to put them in chronological order."

DAVE BASSETT, Radio 5 Live Shane Ritchie: "What's your name?"
Contestant: "Eva."
Shane Ritchie: "Short for?"
Contestant: "Eva."

ITV "If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal."

JIMMY HILL, BBC Fern Brittain: "So you're a schoolteacher.  And what sort of children do you teach?"
Contestant: "Schoolchildren."

BBC2 "You could hear everyone's eyebrows going higher and higher into their foreheads."

Member of 'Piece by Piece', Radio 1 "Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different names."

Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3 "It's like learning to play golf.  Just when you think you've cracked it, they move the goalposts."

Adrian Love, Southern Counties Radio "Cystitis is a living death, it really is.  Nobody ever talks about it, but if I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and getting cystitis, I'd wave goodbye to my arms quite happily."

Louise Wener (of Sleeper) in Q Magazine "...an idea someone picks up and runs with, only to find they've painted themselves into a corner."

Labour Spokesperson, BBC1 "Morcelli has the four fastest 1500-metre times ever.  And all those times are at 1500 metres."

David Coleman (who else?), BBC1 Listener: "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day."
Simon Fanshawe: "How awful!  Do you still have an artificial leg?"

Talk Radio "The pit say PUMP ON, that probably means to switch the pump on."

Murray Walker, BBC Interviewer: "So did you see which train crashed into which train first?"
15-year-old: "No, they both ran into each other at the same time."

Radio 4 "The lack of money is evident but you've got 12,000 volunteers who'll break their back to make sure it's a success." Today Program (on the Paralympics)

Presenter {to palaeontologist}: "So what would happen if you mated the woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?"
Guest: "Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule, we'd get a sort of half-mammoth.
Presenter: "So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?"
Guest: "Er, yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks."
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