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More Jokes

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    Little Tim's Goldfish

    Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.…
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    Gift Excitement

    The small girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume, which she was very…
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    Let's Play House

    A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.The girl approached the boy and…
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    Bathroom Instructions

    On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the…
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    Golf Questions

    Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.Nadine: TELL me about it!…
  • picture of elderly couple

    Sharing

    Uncle Sid and Aunt Sadie are in their eighties and have been married for more than sixty…
  • Kit Kat

    Favorite Candy

    Our phone rang late one night, and my wife Nancy picked it up. She said, "KitKat," and…
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    I Didn't Feel Quite Right

    Thought I'd let my doctor check me,'Cause I didn't feel quite right. . .All those aches…
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    Lost in the Woods

    Two hunters got lost in the woods. The first hunter said, "Don't worry. All we have to do…
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    Spiritual Gifts

    During the French Revolution, there were three Christians who were sentenced to die by…
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    Goober Line Painter

    A goober who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was…
  • The Seniors' Serenity Prayer

    Serenity for Seniors

    God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to…
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    Interview Bloopers

    Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were…
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    Sermon Sub

    A minister was called away unexpectedly by the illness of a close family member. He…
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    The Pledge

    Grandpa Cartnell was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how…
"Liz Taylor is recovering in hospital after having had a benign tuna removed from just behind her right ear."

Capital Radio Peter Snow: "In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?"
Expert: "Yes."

Channel 4 News "As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different to any other."
John Sleighthome,

BBC1 Shoemaker: "Sometimes we use French leather."
John Eley: "Where do you get that from?"
Shoemaker: "France!"

BBC Radio Suffolk "You weigh up the pros and cons and try to put them in chronological order."

DAVE BASSETT, Radio 5 Live Shane Ritchie: "What's your name?"
Contestant: "Eva."
Shane Ritchie: "Short for?"
Contestant: "Eva."

ITV "If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal."

JIMMY HILL, BBC Fern Brittain: "So you're a schoolteacher.  And what sort of children do you teach?"
Contestant: "Schoolchildren."

BBC2 "You could hear everyone's eyebrows going higher and higher into their foreheads."

Member of 'Piece by Piece', Radio 1 "Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different names."

Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3 "It's like learning to play golf.  Just when you think you've cracked it, they move the goalposts."

Adrian Love, Southern Counties Radio "Cystitis is a living death, it really is.  Nobody ever talks about it, but if I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and getting cystitis, I'd wave goodbye to my arms quite happily."

Louise Wener (of Sleeper) in Q Magazine "...an idea someone picks up and runs with, only to find they've painted themselves into a corner."

Labour Spokesperson, BBC1 "Morcelli has the four fastest 1500-metre times ever.  And all those times are at 1500 metres."

David Coleman (who else?), BBC1 Listener: "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day."
Simon Fanshawe: "How awful!  Do you still have an artificial leg?"

Talk Radio "The pit say PUMP ON, that probably means to switch the pump on."

Murray Walker, BBC Interviewer: "So did you see which train crashed into which train first?"
15-year-old: "No, they both ran into each other at the same time."

Radio 4 "The lack of money is evident but you've got 12,000 volunteers who'll break their back to make sure it's a success." Today Program (on the Paralympics)

Presenter {to palaeontologist}: "So what would happen if you mated the woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?"
Guest: "Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule, we'd get a sort of half-mammoth.
Presenter: "So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?"
Guest: "Er, yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks."
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