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  • picture or an Irish Setter

    Mind Games For Dogs

    From the dog manual on how to mess with the minds of your humans. 1. After your humans…
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    Shopping Remote

    "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As…
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    Why ask Why?

    Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why…
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    Texas Cruise

    A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his…
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    Cooking Terms

    *Cooking Terms*Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the…
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    Meet the Parents

    A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my…
  • ice cream3

    Extra Fudge

    I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with extra hot…
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    Dog Exercises

    You've seen those fitness ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of…
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    Scale Convention

    At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on…
  • parrot

    Auction Parrot

    One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this…
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    Sports Injury

    Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so…
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    Medical Opinions

    A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them…
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    Where's Mommy

    One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he…
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    Mom's Phone

    Because my mother had a habit of losing her cordless phone, I bought her a phone with a…
  • tortoise

    Holding A Job

    A young man was a very slow worker and subsequently found it difficult to hold down a…
"Liz Taylor is recovering in hospital after having had a benign tuna removed from just behind her right ear."

Capital Radio Peter Snow: "In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?"
Expert: "Yes."

Channel 4 News "As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different to any other."
John Sleighthome,

BBC1 Shoemaker: "Sometimes we use French leather."
John Eley: "Where do you get that from?"
Shoemaker: "France!"

BBC Radio Suffolk "You weigh up the pros and cons and try to put them in chronological order."

DAVE BASSETT, Radio 5 Live Shane Ritchie: "What's your name?"
Contestant: "Eva."
Shane Ritchie: "Short for?"
Contestant: "Eva."

ITV "If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal."

JIMMY HILL, BBC Fern Brittain: "So you're a schoolteacher.  And what sort of children do you teach?"
Contestant: "Schoolchildren."

BBC2 "You could hear everyone's eyebrows going higher and higher into their foreheads."

Member of 'Piece by Piece', Radio 1 "Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different names."

Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3 "It's like learning to play golf.  Just when you think you've cracked it, they move the goalposts."

Adrian Love, Southern Counties Radio "Cystitis is a living death, it really is.  Nobody ever talks about it, but if I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and getting cystitis, I'd wave goodbye to my arms quite happily."

Louise Wener (of Sleeper) in Q Magazine "...an idea someone picks up and runs with, only to find they've painted themselves into a corner."

Labour Spokesperson, BBC1 "Morcelli has the four fastest 1500-metre times ever.  And all those times are at 1500 metres."

David Coleman (who else?), BBC1 Listener: "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day."
Simon Fanshawe: "How awful!  Do you still have an artificial leg?"

Talk Radio "The pit say PUMP ON, that probably means to switch the pump on."

Murray Walker, BBC Interviewer: "So did you see which train crashed into which train first?"
15-year-old: "No, they both ran into each other at the same time."

Radio 4 "The lack of money is evident but you've got 12,000 volunteers who'll break their back to make sure it's a success." Today Program (on the Paralympics)

Presenter {to palaeontologist}: "So what would happen if you mated the woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?"
Guest: "Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule, we'd get a sort of half-mammoth.
Presenter: "So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?"
Guest: "Er, yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks."
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