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    God Will Provide

    A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells…
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    Computer Problem Report Form

    COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM: 1. Describe your problem:…
  • car old

    12 Reasons to Buy a New Car

    1. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.2. Instead of an…
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    Paper Eater

    A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the…
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    Ah, Mozart

    A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The…
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    Turtle Keeper

    Martin was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the…
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    Car Recognition

    A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a…
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    The 3 stages of man

    The 3 stages of man:He believes in Santa Claus.He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.He is…
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    Punishment Withheld

    Teacher: " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also…
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    Joining the Church

    After the service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the church. I hadn't…
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    Note From Judge

    During court one busy day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading: "Blind on…
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    Flower System

    An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his…
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    Goober Travel Times

    A Goober gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and…
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    Things to do when seeing Lord Of The Rings:

    1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait! Where is Harry Potter?"2.…
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    Dad Shopping

    In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with…
"Liz Taylor is recovering in hospital after having had a benign tuna removed from just behind her right ear."

Capital Radio Peter Snow: "In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?"
Expert: "Yes."

Channel 4 News "As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different to any other."
John Sleighthome,

BBC1 Shoemaker: "Sometimes we use French leather."
John Eley: "Where do you get that from?"
Shoemaker: "France!"

BBC Radio Suffolk "You weigh up the pros and cons and try to put them in chronological order."

DAVE BASSETT, Radio 5 Live Shane Ritchie: "What's your name?"
Contestant: "Eva."
Shane Ritchie: "Short for?"
Contestant: "Eva."

ITV "If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal."

JIMMY HILL, BBC Fern Brittain: "So you're a schoolteacher.  And what sort of children do you teach?"
Contestant: "Schoolchildren."

BBC2 "You could hear everyone's eyebrows going higher and higher into their foreheads."

Member of 'Piece by Piece', Radio 1 "Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different names."

Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3 "It's like learning to play golf.  Just when you think you've cracked it, they move the goalposts."

Adrian Love, Southern Counties Radio "Cystitis is a living death, it really is.  Nobody ever talks about it, but if I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and getting cystitis, I'd wave goodbye to my arms quite happily."

Louise Wener (of Sleeper) in Q Magazine "...an idea someone picks up and runs with, only to find they've painted themselves into a corner."

Labour Spokesperson, BBC1 "Morcelli has the four fastest 1500-metre times ever.  And all those times are at 1500 metres."

David Coleman (who else?), BBC1 Listener: "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day."
Simon Fanshawe: "How awful!  Do you still have an artificial leg?"

Talk Radio "The pit say PUMP ON, that probably means to switch the pump on."

Murray Walker, BBC Interviewer: "So did you see which train crashed into which train first?"
15-year-old: "No, they both ran into each other at the same time."

Radio 4 "The lack of money is evident but you've got 12,000 volunteers who'll break their back to make sure it's a success." Today Program (on the Paralympics)

Presenter {to palaeontologist}: "So what would happen if you mated the woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?"
Guest: "Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule, we'd get a sort of half-mammoth.
Presenter: "So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?"
Guest: "Er, yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks."
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