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More Jokes

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    Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline

    You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change. Before you take off, the…
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    How Gevernment Works

    Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress…
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    Jury Excuse

    "Please, Your Honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty," pleaded an anxious-looking…
  • picture of cat on roof

    Cat's Guide For Human Care

    More Excerpts from "The Cat's Guide To Caring For Your Human. Cats are beautiful,…
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    Library Lost and Found

    Arriving back at the dorm late one evening, my roommate explained that she had gotten…
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    Things Dogs Should Try to Remember

    Things dogs should try to remember: The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff even…
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    Amish At The Mall

    An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall for the first time. They were amazed by…
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    Puppy Mark

    An effusive client brought a litter of puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations…
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    Coverup Catch

    This guy had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without…
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    Ten Rules for Good Housekeeping

    Ten Rules for Good Housekeeping 1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when…
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    Caught Sleeping

    Just in case your boss catches you asleep at your desk, be ready to blurt out one of…
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    Things That Make You Go "Ummmmmmm????"

    If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? Instead of talking to your…
  • Mount Union College Ohio

    Medieval History

    My friend, an American history professor at Mount Union College in Ohio, was asked to…
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    10 Easy Ways To Say No

    I'd love to, but...1 I have to floss my cat.2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.3 I want…
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    Collateral

    I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a…
"Liz Taylor is recovering in hospital after having had a benign tuna removed from just behind her right ear."

Capital Radio Peter Snow: "In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?"
Expert: "Yes."

Channel 4 News "As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different to any other."
John Sleighthome,

BBC1 Shoemaker: "Sometimes we use French leather."
John Eley: "Where do you get that from?"
Shoemaker: "France!"

BBC Radio Suffolk "You weigh up the pros and cons and try to put them in chronological order."

DAVE BASSETT, Radio 5 Live Shane Ritchie: "What's your name?"
Contestant: "Eva."
Shane Ritchie: "Short for?"
Contestant: "Eva."

ITV "If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal."

JIMMY HILL, BBC Fern Brittain: "So you're a schoolteacher.  And what sort of children do you teach?"
Contestant: "Schoolchildren."

BBC2 "You could hear everyone's eyebrows going higher and higher into their foreheads."

Member of 'Piece by Piece', Radio 1 "Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different names."

Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3 "It's like learning to play golf.  Just when you think you've cracked it, they move the goalposts."

Adrian Love, Southern Counties Radio "Cystitis is a living death, it really is.  Nobody ever talks about it, but if I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and getting cystitis, I'd wave goodbye to my arms quite happily."

Louise Wener (of Sleeper) in Q Magazine "...an idea someone picks up and runs with, only to find they've painted themselves into a corner."

Labour Spokesperson, BBC1 "Morcelli has the four fastest 1500-metre times ever.  And all those times are at 1500 metres."

David Coleman (who else?), BBC1 Listener: "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day."
Simon Fanshawe: "How awful!  Do you still have an artificial leg?"

Talk Radio "The pit say PUMP ON, that probably means to switch the pump on."

Murray Walker, BBC Interviewer: "So did you see which train crashed into which train first?"
15-year-old: "No, they both ran into each other at the same time."

Radio 4 "The lack of money is evident but you've got 12,000 volunteers who'll break their back to make sure it's a success." Today Program (on the Paralympics)

Presenter {to palaeontologist}: "So what would happen if you mated the woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?"
Guest: "Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule, we'd get a sort of half-mammoth.
Presenter: "So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?"
Guest: "Er, yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks."
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