"Liz Taylor is recovering in hospital after having had a benign tuna removed from just behind her right ear."
Capital Radio Peter Snow: "In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?"
Channel 4 News "As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different to any other."
BBC1 Shoemaker: "Sometimes we use French leather."
John Eley: "Where do you get that from?"
BBC Radio Suffolk "You weigh up the pros and cons and try to put them in chronological order."
DAVE BASSETT, Radio 5 Live Shane Ritchie: "What's your name?"
Shane Ritchie: "Short for?"
ITV "If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal."
JIMMY HILL, BBC Fern Brittain: "So you're a schoolteacher. And what sort of children do you teach?"
BBC2 "You could hear everyone's eyebrows going higher and higher into their foreheads."
Member of 'Piece by Piece', Radio 1 "Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different names."
Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3 "It's like learning to play golf. Just when you think you've cracked it, they move the goalposts."
Adrian Love, Southern Counties Radio "Cystitis is a living death, it really is. Nobody ever talks about it, but if I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and getting cystitis, I'd wave goodbye to my arms quite happily."
Louise Wener (of Sleeper) in Q Magazine "...an idea someone picks up and runs with, only to find they've painted themselves into a corner."
Labour Spokesperson, BBC1 "Morcelli has the four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres."
David Coleman (who else?), BBC1 Listener: "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day."
Simon Fanshawe: "How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?"
Talk Radio "The pit say PUMP ON, that probably means to switch the pump on."
Murray Walker, BBC Interviewer: "So did you see which train crashed into which train first?"
15-year-old: "No, they both ran into each other at the same time."
Radio 4 "The lack of money is evident but you've got 12,000 volunteers who'll break their back to make sure it's a success." Today Program (on the Paralympics)
Presenter (to palaeontologist):
"So what would happen if you mated the woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?"
Guest: "Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule, we'd get a sort of half-mammoth.
Presenter: "So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?"
Guest: "Er, yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks."