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More Jokes

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    Warning Labels

    Warning Labels!7 Up:Contents under pressure. Cap may blow off causing eye or other…
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    Rainy Weather Humor

    Nothing personal against Seattlites - change it to any other place getting a lot of rain.…
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    I Didn't Feel Quite Right

    Thought I'd let my doctor check me,'Cause I didn't feel quite right. . .All those aches…
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    Leaky Pipe

    A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing there. "I'm here to fix the…
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    New Golfer

    A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he…
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    Huge Steak

    A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day…
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    I've Got Shingles

    A fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He…
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    Burglary

    The detective was interviewing the man whose clothing shop had just been burglarized.…
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    Find and Replace

    The age of the computer brings much ease and expertise to the preparation of the worship…
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    Smile For the DMV

    When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was…
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    Birthday Heart Attack

    Realizing at the last minute that it was his father's birthday, a teenage boy rushed to…
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    Bagpipe Jokes

    Relax, they aren't that bad - it's just joking about them that's fun. Q. What's the…
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    Smart Bus

    My name is Pastor Jerry Evenson. I pastor a small church in central Idaho on an Indian…
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    Tech Support Fun

    A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.The tech asked her if…
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    Picture Favor

    Dining out one evening, I noticed six teenagers boisterously celebrating some event at a…
"Liz Taylor is recovering in hospital after having had a benign tuna removed from just behind her right ear."

Capital Radio Peter Snow: "In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?"
Expert: "Yes."

Channel 4 News "As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different to any other."
John Sleighthome,

BBC1 Shoemaker: "Sometimes we use French leather."
John Eley: "Where do you get that from?"
Shoemaker: "France!"

BBC Radio Suffolk "You weigh up the pros and cons and try to put them in chronological order."

DAVE BASSETT, Radio 5 Live Shane Ritchie: "What's your name?"
Contestant: "Eva."
Shane Ritchie: "Short for?"
Contestant: "Eva."

ITV "If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal."

JIMMY HILL, BBC Fern Brittain: "So you're a schoolteacher.  And what sort of children do you teach?"
Contestant: "Schoolchildren."

BBC2 "You could hear everyone's eyebrows going higher and higher into their foreheads."

Member of 'Piece by Piece', Radio 1 "Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different names."

Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3 "It's like learning to play golf.  Just when you think you've cracked it, they move the goalposts."

Adrian Love, Southern Counties Radio "Cystitis is a living death, it really is.  Nobody ever talks about it, but if I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and getting cystitis, I'd wave goodbye to my arms quite happily."

Louise Wener (of Sleeper) in Q Magazine "...an idea someone picks up and runs with, only to find they've painted themselves into a corner."

Labour Spokesperson, BBC1 "Morcelli has the four fastest 1500-metre times ever.  And all those times are at 1500 metres."

David Coleman (who else?), BBC1 Listener: "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day."
Simon Fanshawe: "How awful!  Do you still have an artificial leg?"

Talk Radio "The pit say PUMP ON, that probably means to switch the pump on."

Murray Walker, BBC Interviewer: "So did you see which train crashed into which train first?"
15-year-old: "No, they both ran into each other at the same time."

Radio 4 "The lack of money is evident but you've got 12,000 volunteers who'll break their back to make sure it's a success." Today Program (on the Paralympics)

Presenter {to palaeontologist}: "So what would happen if you mated the woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?"
Guest: "Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule, we'd get a sort of half-mammoth.
Presenter: "So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?"
Guest: "Er, yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks."
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