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    Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

    One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog…
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    18 Things That Never Happened On Star Trek

    *18 Things That Never Happened On Star Trek*1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious…
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    Signs You Are Broke

    1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!" 2. Your idea of a 7-course…
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    Heartfelt

    Jimmy was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with…
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    30 Minutes To A Cleaner House

    *30 Minutes To A Cleaner House* You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a…
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    Always Corrected

    Frustrated at always being corrected by my hubby, I decided the next time it happened I…
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    Found Cell Phone

    When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers,…
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    No ID

    A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal…
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    Call Me Tex

    A policeman saw a man dressed in full cowboy garb -- hat, chaps, duster, six-shooters,…
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    Blockbuster Surprise

    Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster. When…
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    Sick Call

    Mr. Frobisher constantly called Dr. Wilson at all hours of the day and night and would…
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    Coffee Delay

    In a rush to work one morning, I pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast-food…
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    Unfinished Quest

    Long, long ago an old Indian chief was about to die, so he called for Geronimo and…
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    Wilderness Guide

    "We pass this way but once," we have heard it said. But my wife has learned that, unless…
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    Signs of Banned Substances

    Signs That An Athlete Is Using A Banned Substance:Gets "psyched" before each competition…

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.  One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.  The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.  The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.  One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?," they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.  Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.  After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap.  He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.  The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.  One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.  Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.  The doctor came in took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.  He came across two men.  One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.  The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.  Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.  He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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