logo

sign-up-for-free-cybersalt-today-button

More Jokes

  • Default Image

    Rules for Writers

    1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences…
  • Default Image

    Goodbye From George

    George had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out his Last Will and…
  • Default Image

    Tip Revenge

    A man finds his seat in the theater, but it's too far from the stage. He whispers to the…
  • cat lying down

    Politically Correct Cat Terms

    Politically correct terms for cat owners: - My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a…
  • Default Image

    Signs of E-Mail Addiction

    1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way…
  • Default Image

    All Roads Lead Back to Rome

    The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.…
  • Default Image

    Smart Chauffer

    When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found…
  • Default Image

    You Look Tired

    A coworker told me that I looked tired. "I am," I said. "I just finished 50 push-ups."…
  • Default Image

    Well Done

    John was furious when his steak arrived too rare."Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear…
  • Default Image

    Signal Shot

    The new ensign was standing his first night watch on the bridge of a destroyer. Far out…
  • Default Image

    Earworms

    Earworms are songs that crawl into your head and stay. 98% of us have had a song stuck in…
  • A picture of the Grand Canyon

    Questions Asked at National Parks

    *Questions Asked at National Parks* *Everglades National Park:*Are the alligators…
  • post it_notes

    Passed Note

    A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.…
  • Default Image

    Corporate Can-Do

    Programmer to Team Leader:"We can't do this proposed project. **CAN NOT** It will involve…
  • Default Image

    Rank Explanation

    My brother Ken was home on leave from his post in Hawaii, when he announced that he had…

This is a Dave Barry item.  Do not use in your book.**********  Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha.  He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.  A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.  They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence.  She thinks to herself:  I wonder if it bothers him that I said that.  Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh.  Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either.  Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards mean, where are we going?  Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy?  Are we heading toward marriage?  Toward children?  Toward a lifetime together?  Am I ready for that level of commitment?  Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa!  I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset.  I can see it on his face.  Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong.  Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations.  Yes, I bet that's it.  That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings.  He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again.  I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.
And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time.  What cold weather?  It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry.  And I don't blame him.  I'd be angry, too.  I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel.  I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me.  A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty?  They want a warranty?  I'll give them a warranty.  I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears.  "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs.  "I mean, I know there's no knight.  I really know that.  It's silly.  There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.  (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response.  Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.  (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred.  "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse.  At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of.  A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.  In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.  They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

Powered By JFBConnect