logo

sign-up-for-free-cybersalt-today-button

The Toddler Diet

Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet.  The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).  Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over.  Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem?

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet!  Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim.  It came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.
After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet.  It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity.  Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward.
Good luck!

DAY ONE Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.

Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor).  One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt.  Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.
Then bring inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril.  Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE --- Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair.  Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.  After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Spit several bites onto the floor.  Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.

FINAL DAY --- Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive.  Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half cup of sugar.  Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.  Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk.  Leave meatball on plate.
Stick of mascara for dessert.

Powered By JFBConnect

More Jokes

  • Default Image

    Office Answering Message

    "Hello, you have reached an office that thought it was so smart getting all it's…
  • parrot

    Do Not Talk To My Parrot

    Mrs. Lonefold's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't…
  • Default Image

    Frazzled Doctor

    As soon as I stepped into the urgent-care facility in my hometown, I could see the place…
  • Default Image

    Setting The Table

    Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for…
  • Default Image

    Wireless Security

    How to install a wireless security system:Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's…
  • Default Image

    Men, Dogs, Women

    1. How Dogs and Men Are the Same Both take up too much space on the bed.Both have…
  • Default Image

    Scavenger Hunt

    A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list. "Ma'am," he…
  • Default Image

    New Boater

    This past summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of…
  • Default Image

    Top Ten Things You NEVER Want to Hear the Orkin Man Say

    Top Ten Things You NEVER Want to Hear the Orkin Man Say10) "EEEEEKKK!!!!!!"9)…
  • Default Image

    Time Off

    Two factory workers were talking. "I know how to get some time off from work." said the…
  • Default Image

    Homilies To Live By

    Homilies To Live ByGive a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to…
  • Default Image
  • Default Image

    Sick At Church

    Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden vomit…
  • woman

    The Mystery Of Women

    I know I'm never going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take…
  • Default Image

    Vacation Term Translation

    *Vacation Term Translation*In case any of you are still thinking about picking a vacation…