Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding):
* There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
* If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
* A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
* If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
* It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
* Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
* You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
* When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
* A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
* The glass in windows (even double paned) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
* When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.
* Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
* A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
* A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
* If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak, it explodes.
* A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
* Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
* Duplos will not.
* Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
* Super glue is forever.
* McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
* Ditto Tarzan.
* No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
* Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
* VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
* Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
* Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
* You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
* Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
* Plastic toys do not like ovens.
* The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
* The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
* It will however make cats dizzy.
* Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
* A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).