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More Jokes

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    Last Marathon

    Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race started and immediately I was…
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    Stranded on a Desert Island

    A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of…
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    Another Virus Warning

    ***-- VIRUS WARNING --***Folks, I don't normally send out virus warnings, but this one is…
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    Alcohol Consumption Warnings

    Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the…
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    Corn Problem

    We were eating corn on the cob two weeks ago and my 5-year-old daughter Rachel seemed to…
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    Employment History

    To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia…
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    Dog Employee

    A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a…
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    Peter's Portrait

    One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis,…
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    Melanie is Watching

    One day while driving with my then 4 year old daughter Melanie, I beeped the horn by…
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    Sweat Dreams

    While on vacation with my son and his family, I shared a room with my 4 year old…
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    Penny Problems

    After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard…
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    Bachelor Cooking

    Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.…
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    Found Money

    An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had settled down in their…
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    Clothes Hamper

    I asked my two-year-old to take his dirty clothes and put them into the hamper.He looked…
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    The Politician Dance

    There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician. "All you…

Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding):

* There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

* If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

* A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

* If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

* It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

* Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

* You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

* When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

* A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

* The glass in windows (even double paned) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

* When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.

* Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

* A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

* A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

* If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak, it explodes.

* A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

* Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

* Duplos will not.

* Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

* Super glue is forever.

* McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

* Ditto Tarzan.

* No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

* Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

* VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

* Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

* Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

* You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

* Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

* Plastic toys do not like ovens.

* The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

* The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

* It will however make cats dizzy.

* Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

* A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

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