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    Excerpts from A Dog's Diary

    Excerpts from A Dog's Diary:Day number 1808:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!9:30 am…
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    The Top Ten Things Not to Do at Your Child's Performance or Sports Event

    10. Try to pep up the dance recital crowd by starting "the wave." 9. Do a halftime…
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    Famous Last Words

    * Don't turn it on yet, it's not quite ready.* Step back a bit, I can't get you in the…
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    Calls to Information Assistance

    Just a few decades ago, before the days of Google and online information, people would…
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    Homework Surprise

    My daughter's third-grade teacher had assigned the children to write a story titled "My…
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    How Cold is it?

    An annotated thermometer: (degrees Fahrenheit, then Celsius) +50 / +10* New York tenants…
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    Shower Music

    "Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the…
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    Run Through the Woods

    Two campers, both in the 60s are walking through the woods. A huge brown bear suddenly…
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    Goober Guess

    This goober named Jed was walking down the road one day when he came across his friend,…
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    Major League Snacks

    I took my son to his first Major League baseball game when he was four. The game was…
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    Songs, Jokes, Sad Stories

    Three men worked in the Empire State Building on the 102nd floor.One day the elevator was…
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    Eating Worms

    Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw…
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    Shakespearean in Dallas

    A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100% Texan, upon…
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    Optomist's Hunting Dog

    Friends, one an optimist and the other a pessimist could never quite agree on any topic…
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    Large Party

    On one occasion William Howard Taft, in his work as an attorney, took a train to…
Things you'll never hear a man say:

1) Here honey, you use the remote.
2) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt?  That's one movie I gotta see!
3) While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4) Aww, forget Monday Night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
5) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
6) We never talk anymore.

Things you'll never hear a woman say:

1) What do you mean today's our anniversary?
2) Can we not talk to each other tonight?  I'd rather just watch TV.
3) Ohh, this diamond is way to big!
4) Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
5) I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.
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