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More Jokes

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    Need Help?

    I saw a billboard yesterday that said: Need help? Call Jesus.1-800-555-HELP Out of…
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    Oriskany Falls

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    Boss Prepared

    As salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his mission.He faxed…
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    How To Give Your Cat A Pill

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    Army Fib

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    Church Visit

    My grandson, Justin, returned from his first time in church and was asked how it went.He…
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    Hair Mission

    In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a…
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    Haircut Plan

    I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be…
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    Interview Bloopers

    Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were…
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    Deck Praise

    I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my…
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    Pepper Advice

    When chopping a hot pepper... 1. Do NOT rub your nose... and if you do and it starts to…
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    Sibling Takings

    As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I overheard some of the children…
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    Military Chat

    During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew on different…
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    Just A Kiss Per Yard

    Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy…
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    Tycoon Banter

    A Texas Oil Tycoon and an Alaskan Oil Tycoon were debating on which state had the most…

What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"There is a lot of that going around."
That's the third one this week! I'd better learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thankfully I'm off next week.

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